Dreams and Satellite Dish Update

I remember my dreams from last night only because they were super weird. First off I'm at my grandparents house but it's not really their house. How original.

They had an awesome place near a lake and my grandpa was alive, (as he still is as I write this post) and still drinking a case of beer a day (he's 84) and being a huge pain in the butt. Grandma was chilling out but there was some freaky guy there and he kept trying to lure my girls out into the front yard, which was pretty much a forest and it was dark and foggy. I remember telling them to hide in some secret type niche in one of the back rooms, it was a cedar room with a ton of lights. I don't know if he was some sort of male nurse for my grandpa or the gardener or what but it was getting on my nerves that he kept trying to talk to the girls and no one was telling me who he was or why he was there.

When he tried to run off with the girls again I tried calling the police but the phone wouldn't work. Figures. Eventually I drag all these geezers out to the car and I hunt him down. I kick his *ss and get the girls back.

Then we are at our house but it's not really our house, again. The place is thrashed and an old friend from like 13 yrs ago calls and wants to come over. Ironically I have just started emailing her when I found her from classmates Everyone is being a spazz as I try to clean and people are coming over left and right. The place is quickly a zoo and I have no idea who anything of them are. Sounds a lot like my real life. I don't remember the rest but it got crazier. I'm sure I'll get a bunch of emails from dream interperators about this. Yes, I know, I'm a snarky beast who has control issues and a neat for orderliness. Thanks.

It was SO cold this morning. Did I ever mention that I willingly moved here. There was frost everywhere and for some stupid reason I left the windows open and Richard is trying to scrape all the frost off until he realized it was on the INSIDE of the window. I could have said something, but it was fun to watch.

Oh and I have to say the satelite guy came over this morning just as I was mopping the floor. This is another reason why I put off housework. I'm not fond of having to do it again. He informed me he's adjusted the dish a bit and that since it's not on the roof there will be times our signal will be crappy, especially when it's windy. Oh, well then. We're in southeast Wisconsin. We shouldn't have to worry about wind or weather.

Maybe he could have told me that back when he came out here and left me with no internet. Punk.

We'll see how it goes. In the mean time when I had no connection or TV I actually went to the library. Cause you know, I gots to keep reading & learning stuffs. I came home with the following books:

• I am no one you know, by Joyce Carol Oates. It's ok so far, skipping around from character to character though
• Ungrateful Daughters- The Steward Princesses Who Stole Their Father's Crown, by Maureen Waller
• How the Irish Saved Civilization, by Thomas Cahill
• Iron Council by China Mieville
• The Diary of Anne Frank

I'm going to pretend I'm scholastic.

I'm off to make chocolate chip cookies with walnuts that are non-caloric.

I keep telling myself it's true.

The Madness

Mystery odors, transgender cats..oh the madness.

I woke up too early this morning as usual. Then lil' J started sniffling, no big deal. He's been sick, it's the morning, kids do that. I quickly notice there's a rather large crimson stain on my new white 300 ct sateen sheets from Sam's. Hmm. It know it's not coming from me. I haven't stabbed anyone. Yet. I haven't been stabbed. Then I see it's from lil' J. He's dripping blood from his nose. This is his first bloody nose ever and life would be too simple if it were anywhere other than my crisp, new white sheets.

He wasn't picking his nose this time, as he was asleep. Not that sleep could probably prevent a preschooler from nose picking. Ok, I'm over it. Moving on..

So, I sat with him and did all the right things one is supposed to when their child is bleeding from the head. Or at least I think I did. It couldn't have come at a worse time as either. I have to get The Husband off to the bus if I want to have the car and I'm not about to be stuck in the house again all day. If the kid is not hemmoraging from the brain he is going to school. One thing I should mention is he is totally nekkid. The Preschooler. Not The Husband.

Indeed. Not only is he still sleeping in our bed (I know what you're thinking and yes I know we are the ones who chose attachment parenting-which I still stand by) but he has informed us that he likes to sleep, 'mando'. Now I never know what I'm going to wake up to.

We do the mad dash run around and get everyone dressed in time for R to catch the bus by 6:30a. After the nose bleed was under control and some clothes were slapped on I then had to wake up my fourteen year old who is his usual grumpy-butt-self in the morning.

What, it's time to get up ALREADY?
It feels like I just went to bed. (Probably because did. Just went to bed...
It's time to go already?
But I don't have a lunch.
What about my hair?
But I need to eat breakfast.

After throwing The Husband out of the car at a rolling stop at 6AM, far too early to be dealing with nekkid preschoolers who are bleeding from the head, I rush back to the house to make the boys boys some eggs for breakfast because that's what good moms do. They send their kids off to school with something other than poptarts in their stomaches. Neither of the boys at their breakfast. Little punks. I barely got them off to school in time. Thank God, I don't have to get the girls to school. Sometimes I think I should be fired from this job called motherhood.

Alright, you might be wondering what this has to do with Apple Cider Vinegar? Well, it has absolutely nothing to do with it of course. I digress.

When I came downstairs this morning I about gagged and it's not the smell of cat pee this time. It smelled like nasty and it seemed to be coming from everywhere, but mostly in the kitchen. All day it was a mystery. What is that revolting smell and where is it coming from? Am I really that bad of a housewife? Every time I opened the fridge, the rank wasd so strong I'd wretch, but I couldn't see anything amiss. After a few hours of cursing and, "Why me God, why me again?" I decided to perform an autopsy on the fridge being as though the stench was most rancid there. I'd make a good detective, eh?

Perhaps this is a conspiracy theory to get me to clean more. Let me digress again. I now realize how much money I waste on food not used. Good-bye mangoes. Asta la vista spinach. How long does grapefruit keep anyways?

Then I spot it. My nemesis is way in the back of the fridge, sitting straight up. I don't know how I could have missed it. Ironic yes, coming from the same woman who doesn't notice that her female cat is lugging around testicles as big as a baseball. Stop mocking me.

Some child, apparently not one of mine as you all know, thought they'd try some. My only consolation is that they saw apple cider and took a big gulp. I know I have a wretched sense of humor. Your point?

The child, again, not one of mine, didn't put the cap on all the way so when the fridge froze it exploded and leaked everywhere.

Ick. I can't handle the smell of vinegar at all anymore. It's just nasty. Why does my life have to be so crazy sometimes? If it's not transgender cats, it's funky odors. And I have learned that it is quite possible for there to be things that smell has hideously disgusting as cat pee.

I so feel like an amateur today. I can't seem to get my kid out of my bed or keep any clothes on him, I am apparently unable to tell the difference between a male and a female cat, and my house smells like a cesspool.

I am going to go lie down. I'm almost scared to go up to my room though as I never know what I might find. Seriously.

Transgender Cats

This blog is about to be called The Diary of a Mad, Sleep Deprived Woman. I've been yelling a wee bit this week. I hate when I yell. I think my mom is starting to avoid me and I've scared the cats.

That's right, the cats. I mustn't forget the cats. Let's talk about the cats. Yes, that would be plural as in THREE of them. One Siamese mix (which the vet insists is really a snowshoe breed) who thinks he's not a cat but an imperial ruler of the house and fights the kids for their granny smith apples and goldfish crackers.

He stalks me while I'm on the computer and sits on top of my monitor chasing the cursor with his paws so I can't see. I'm brushing paws away from side to side until I'm about ready to either leave the computer or toss him across the room. He'd make a good windshield wiper. He insists on sleeping in our sinks and drinking from the faucets. He's too good for a bowl naturally.

Then we have the "sisters". They are litter mates. They are supposed to be tabbies. I always wanted a tabby cat. We have a nice orange fluffy one, but the white one isn't so tabby. He came home too because lil' J fancied 'her'. She tolerates his harrassing hugs and never bites him back. The problem then? Besides the fact that they eat from the trash and are always under my feet? I think they might be out to get me.

Snowball is an adorable little kitty, but he's trying to sabatoge any chance I have of having a clean house. As a kitten, he decided that the front door was a great place to pee. And pee it did, day after day. Aww, the cute little kitty doesn't know where to find the box. So we help it out and eventually it gets it, right? Wrong. Now it's peeing in the laundry room corner. All over my christmas wrap, boxes, whatever. What the heck? It's a shame that it might go on a field trip since it doesn't mind being snuggled, nuzzled, carried, layed on, and practically french kissed by all the kids. Before you email me about what a wretched woman I am, I already know. Save your time. Plus, I would never really abandon an animal that I have taken responsibility for. Unless of course they were possessed by satan. Which I haven't ruled out as of yet.

That aside, want to know how stupid we apparantly are? The other day J asks us why Snowball has balls!? He did indeed use that word when speaking to his mother. We're raising a real gentlemen.

Me: Huh? What are you talking about goober? (a nickname started by his charming uncle) They are 'sisters', the cat doesn't have balls. You know I'm busy cooking peanut butter and jellies for dinner, why do you jest with me so?

So he begins to laugh, and carry on about how we have some freak girl cat with a sac almost as big as a prize winning hog. Alright, so I admit, I do the bootie check, and in the words of my LiL' J, I exclaim, "OH MY GOODNITS".

She is a he, and we apparently were too inept or busy to even notice. The guy said they were are all girls, we looked briefly, it all looked fine. It's not like we inspected their crotches with a magnifying class.

My biology teacher said that was a faux pa.

But do you think one time in seven months that we'd notice otherwise? Yeah, I'm smacking myself up side the head right about now. At least this explains the obnoxious peeing. He is going to start spraying soon. Lucky me. The smell of cat pee is horrid. There is nothing like it. Eww. Calling the vet tomorrow. Sweet revenge, and hopefully a better smelling house.

Now, to declaw or not to declaw?

My Internet Dependency

Sattelite dish problems reveal my internet dependency.

I have a rant. We broke down and got dish network through SBC. Ugh. First off, our landlords wanted a $150 refundable deposit. Then we had to pay an extra $30 so they could stick a pole in the ground since we're not allowed to have it on the roof. The guy asks for a bowl of water, apparently to soften the ground up. He just leaves it there when he's done. It's real tupperware.

Um, hello mister, you're not my husband or my child.

Then when he's here he does the worst possible thing. I'm not just talking about his inability to tell me what he's doing, why he's doing it, how to use the flippin' thing, or ask me where I want the box. Get this, are you ready? He actually disconnects my DSL and leaves me without the internet.

I just so happened to be walking my mother through the wonderful joys of the world wide web at that moment. She was asking me how the moose worked. This is true. That's my mother, so I smile and say, "I love you" everytime she asks me a dumb question.

He doesn't let me know he's going to disconnect it nor does he ask me if I might be doing something important. He could see that I was at the computer after all. When my mom goes to ask him why we don't have an internet connection, the guy nonchalently points to the phone line he pulled out. Then he says he fixed it. Last time I checked, when you say you've fixed something, that actually implies that it works.

He mumbles something about a splitter. Then tries to leave. He's just going to leave. Even though the DSL he fixed is still not working. What a doofus.

I follow him out to the car, and by this point I think he's starting to get it. He might have a crazy internet addict on his case. I admit it, sometimes I can be. I try to keep it in check. Really, I do. We have one car at the moment, I have an excuse.

However, my morning internet fix is like another gals cup of morning coffee. I figured after I vacuumed all of the upstairs at 6:30am that I deserved to escape the mundane repetition of housework for awhile. So anyways, the guy digs around in the van, and finds me a splitter. With some walk through from The Husband via phone I'm off and running. It's a whimpy connetion at best. It's like trying to water the grass with a pinched hose. It's taking forever to open a page.

Basically I need to have a tupperware bowl ruined and pay for DSL so I can remember what dial up was like. Now, I know why I used to scream at the computer screen. I wasn't just an angry woman afterall.

Turns out the dude messed with a router wire. What nerve. I still can't believe how he just messed around our computers. Those of you who have fretted over a lost connection know exactly what I am talking about.

There's only so much housework and domesticity that a girl can take before she needs to dial. I already have vacuumed like three times since I bought the new vaccum last night.

I do have TV now though. So what am I complaining about? If taking my internet away wasn't bad enough, when I watch TV about every 7 minutes it freezes. It looks like I've pressed pause only when it comes back, I've missed it all. This was all the The Husbands idea. Cause he likes to pay a lot of money for things that don't work?

Then I think I'm going to outsmart this stupid system by re-setting, clearing, or changing the channel. But no, I just make it worse, and I stare at a grey screen until it decides to work again. It's very A-N-N-O-Y-I-N-G. Sort of as annoying as reading a word spelled out letter by letter. I did NOT throw anything at the TV this time though. I'm better then that.

I'm currently washing away my frustration with a bowl of mashed potatoes with corn. Good thing I'm not afraid of carbs. Or the treadmill. In the scheme of things, it's just nothing, but it shows a less then industrious side of myself.

"Getting to Know Me"

I'm not a fan of these things, but I try to be a good sport. I'll post my responses here because I'm too lazy reply to all my girls.

1. What's your name?
Uh, if you're sending this to me, you should know.
2. Were you named after anyone?
From the Allman Brothers song
4. When did you last cry?
Tuesday 21st 2004 at the funeral of my ten year old's friend who died of a severe asthma attack.
5. Do you like your handwriting?
Why kind of question is this? I like it enough.
6. What is your favourite lunch meat?
Lunch meat? Blech. Shudder.
7. What is your birth date?
Aug 29th. You can just send cash.
8. What is your most embarrassing CD?
LeAnn Rimes-I Need You. I told to sell it on eBay and nobody bid. I'm not sure why.
9. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you?
Why sure. I'm cool and I bake great chocolate chip cookies.
10. Are you a daredevil?
I had three kids under three. I must be. That or I'm a little crazy.
11. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell?
Nope. Unless telling my husband almost everything counts.
12. Do looks matter?
Yours or mine?
13. How do you release anger?
I've been known to throw a thing or two. I hate ot admit it, but sometimes I yell, but usually I just run around cleaning like a mad woman, mumbling things under my breathe. Come to think of it, maybe this is why my husband pushes my buttons so much.
14. Where is your second home?
Leota, MI
15. Do you trust others easily?
Not usually. I grew up street smart. You're all up to something until proven otherwise.
16. What were favourite toys as a child?
Kermit De Frog, Curious George stuffie, Strawberry Shortcake, Cabbage Patch dolls, Donny and Marie Microphone, Holly Hobby Phone, Pink Panther doll, Barbies, Barbie McDonald's, Barbie Townhouse and convertible, Uno cards, Big Wheel...
17. What class in high school do you think was totally useless?
P.E. I don't see anything useful in making kids get heat stroke while playing basketball in the scorching San Diego sun in 105 degree weather. It just made me hate exercising. And my teacher.
18. Do you have a journal?
I have many but I never keep up with them. Why, you want to read em'?
19. Do you use sarcasm a lot?
Tchah, never. What kind of question is that?
20. Favourite movie?
Like with most things, I have lots. Some of them are: Meet the Parents, Goonies, Steel Magnolias, Princess Bride, Fried Green tomatoes, Sleepless in Seattle, The Great Outdoors, Christmas Vacation...
22 What are your nicknames?
Lissa, Lissa girl(mom), Friends call me Mel or Missa, The Husband calls me Violet (a childhood nickname) beautiful, princess, sunshine, babers, and sometimes beeotch.
23. Would you bungee jump?
If you're asking if I'd like to have a complete stranger making 5.50 an hr tie a noose around my waist & push me off a 3-story structure, uhm, that would be NO.
24. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
Who the hell cares about this stuff? And frankly, I have no idea, I've never paid attention to what I do with my feet.
26. Do you think that you are strong?
Enough. I'd have to be, did I mention I had three kids under three? By the time I was 20?
27. What's your favorite ice cream flavor?
Rocky road, butter pecan, rainbow sherbet
28. Shoe Size?
For Heaven's sakes, this is getting boring. Remind me why we're friends again? Oh, I'm a 7 and a 1/2
29. What are your favorite colors?
Purple, pink, green, and black. In that order.
30. What is your least favorite thing about yourself?
At the moment? That I didn't just say no to this dumb thing. Or my fa my ankles or the fact that I over-analyze everything.
31. Who do you miss most?
Probably my grandma
32. Do you want everyone you send this to send it back?
Dear. God. No. (I still love you though)
33. What color pants are you wearing?
Who makes these dumb things up and how are people supposed to be learning anything about a person like this anyways?

And I'm wearing dark jeans- Calvin Kleins.
34. What are you listening to right now?
The Husband, he just called to "hear my voice"
35. Last thing you ate?
Pretzel sticks and a M&M cookie. It was breakfast. OK, so it may not be the breakfast of champions, but chocolate and pretzels go good together, you know. The pretzels were organic. *snort*
36. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
Purple
37. What is the weather like right now?
Sunny, brisk but getting warmer
38.Last person you talked to on the phone?
The Hubster
39. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
They don't like to clean up after themselves
40. Do you like the person who sent this to you?
I sure as hell better. Besides, do you think anyone is really going to say no when they forward these on?
41. How Are You Today?
Determined, sexy, reflective
42. Favorite Drink?
hmm, at the moment Berry Weiss beer has gotten my attention once or twice. Slushies are always delightfully refreshing.
43. Favorite Sport?
To watch, basketball, ice skating & horse racing
44. Hair Color?
Natural? Golden blonde. Right now it's a reddish brown.
45. Eye Color?
Green
46. Do you wear contacts?
No But I might need to soon. Is this almost over already?
48. Favorite Food?
Chinese or Mexican. But just about anything still HOT would hit the spot these days.
49. Last Movie You Watched?
Sky Captain
50. Favorite Day Of The Year?
My children's birthdays?
51. Scary Movies Or Happy Endings?
Both
52. Summer Or Winter
I like Winter, but I hate the darkness. I like Summer more, but I hate the heat. Go figure.
53. Hugs OR Kisses?
For you, how about an evil stare. Everyone else, a hug.
55. What Is Your Favorite Dessert?
Brownie ala mode, strawberry shortcake, berry cobbler.
56. Who Is Most Likely To Respond?
If they're smart, no one.
57. Who Is Least Likely To Respond?
My friend Shannon, don't blame her either.
58. Living Arrangements?
The Husband, four kids, three cats, and my MOM. Yes, you read that right. All in a three bedroom townhouse. God help me.
59. What Books Are You Reading?
Sadly, nothing.
60. What's On Your Mouse pad?
I think I'm beginning to hate you all. And for the question, I don't have one.
61. Favorite Game?
For card games I play 31 or Uno. For board games- Charade, Monopoly, Scrabble or Yahtzee.
62. What Did You Watch last?
Wife swap
63. Favourite Smells?
Lilacs, babies, cut grass, sawdust, wet concrete, rain, burning wood, fresh baked bread and cookies.
64. Rolling Stones or Beatles?
Neither, to me, they're both just geezers who shouted more than sang and were all about rock-n-roll mania rather than music. If it came down to it though, I'd pick a Rolling Stone song most likely, in my house that kind of music was almost a kids lullaby which is why I'm so over it.
65. Do you believe in Evolution or Creationism?
Creationism..they both have flaws, but logically I need more faith to accept evolution.
66. What's the furthest you've been from home?
I guess Grandfather Mountain in North Carolina or the the Appalachian mountains in southeastern Kentucky. Come to think of it, there was that vacation in Captiva Island, Florida.

Praise be to God, it's over. Beeotches, don't say I haven't participated lately.

Interview with a Girl

1. What is your full name?
Melissa

2. What gets you relaxed after a hard day's work?
Hmm, photography, Chocolate, a good movie, surfing the net. Doesn't matter which order.

3. How long did your last conversation on the phone last?
Like 3 minutes. The Husband called, he likes to hear my voice. It doesn't matter what I say. Yes, I'm that captivating. I hate talking on the phone though.

4. What would you carry along on a first date?
What a question? Oh, gee, let me think. My knitting paraphernalia? Good looks? Charm?

I haven't dated for like, uhm..most my life. When I went on my first official date with The Husband I guess I just brought my purse and quick reflexes.

He just kept trying so hard to kiss me all night. Maybe I should have brought a fire extinguisher.

5. What are you dreaming of?
My own big house in the country with a christmas tree farm and reindeer. A trip around the country with my kids. Something like what Lisa Whelchel did and called it, The Family Dream. Only much cooler. And not so long or it will turn into the American Nightmare.

6. Where was your first date with your husband?

Teens, date? If you can call it that. Hmm, probably driving around his neighborhood and hanging out at his friends house. Pretty lame. But uh, we couldn't legally drive yet, so his friend was our transpo. And it was so like cool, we was ownin' that town.


7. How do you react to a secret admirer?

I use my Kung Fu moves on them. But mostly I just ignore them. Once there was this girl and Richard never lets me forget it. She wrote this poem for me and burnt the edges. She was a neighbor and we were both around 23 with 3 kids. I was a little freaked and started avoiding her like the plaque. She'd look for me at the laundry room. I made my family wear the same clothes for days. They've just not recovered.

The chic shaved her head and her eyebrows, but left her legs and pits so hairy I thought she was Sinead O'Connors sasquatch cousin. Not attractive.

8. What do you usually do when you're sad?
I deal with it internally. I'm not likely to cry easily. I'll get dark or moody sometimes. I'll read the Bible. I'll write things like, "nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I'm going to eat green worms."

9. Finish the sentence. Mirror mirror on the wall...
Will they ever learn at all?

10. What does your favorite color say about you?
Purple. Uh, that I like purple.

11. Psychology 101, pick one of these words: Caring, Rich, Popular, Cute, Generous...-
I need to take the philosophy class first, sorry.

12. Psychology 101, pick one of these words:Mean, Rude, Poor, Ugly, Selfish, Uncaring...-
Didn't we just cover this? I need an interviewer who isn't senile please.

13. What's your idea of a perfect Valentine's day gift?
A cabin in the middle of nowhere, roaring fire, yummy gooey creamy treats, good music and all night alone with The Husband. He has to walk around naked and give me a foot rub with sesame oil. I know I'm wicked. Your point?

14. Do you easily fall in love?
Only once

15. If you were a dessert, what kind of dessert
would you be?

Lemon Marscapone cheesecake? Chocolate volcano. Gelato. On three different plates of course.

16. What do you miss in your relationship?
Privacy and time. And firm a**es.

17. Are you a faithful person?
Yes. What a question. It's sort of like asking a perspective employee whether they hear voices and like to play with guns.

18. Are you a jealous person?
Sometimes.

19. Are you shy in expressing your feelings?
I express what I want to and when I want to.

20. You did something wrong. Instead of being
a human, God punished you to be an animal, what
animal would you be?
Huh? Weird flippin question. A bird I guess.

21. Psychology 101, a box is lying on the road,
and you picked it up. What's inside?
Are we back to this again.
Nothing. Nothing is in the box.

22. If you could enter a movie, any movie. What
movie would you enter?
The Village

23. Is it easy for you to smile?
No, I just sort of move my mouth and it happens.

24. Do you yell when you're in a fight with your
spouse?
All the time. He just laughs and says how sexy I am when I'm mad. Then I throw things.

25. After a fight with your spouse, you are
most likely to do what?
Say we're sorry and how we hate to fight. We're immature.

26. Are you modern or traditional?
Some of both

27. To you, a great night with my lover would
involve doing what?
See #13 Cause I'm getting bored with the questions.

28. How do you feel about public displays of
affection?
I'm too self absorbed to usually notice and if I do, I know how to look away. Sometimes it's gross though and it goes too far. Once I saw a couple trying to have sex on the beach one time. He was behind her with blanket on top and he kept telling his kid to go find shells. It was nasty and funn at the same time. Ok, more nasty, but I had a good laugh.

29. What do you think of premarital sex?
It was fun. Ahem, but, it's best left for marriage.

30. Make a wish, a good one!
I wish this interview were over. World peace. More wishes. And don't tell me I can't wish for more wishes, otherwise you're not really letting me hav a wish. Sadist.

I'm not crazy after all?

It was hard to get up this morning. The Man and I were up late talking. Want to know what happens after married people have kids and have no time for each other or sex? Why, they start dating again. Each other, of course. We went out for our date night on Friday.

Olive Garden had like an hour wait so we went back to the house. He took off his contacts which were giving him a headache. The doctors gave him the wrong perscription. That's about how it goes when you spend weeks waiting for your eye appointment, rush home after work to plop $100 down on tiny little pieces of plastic. We grabbed his glasses and headed out to Applebees. The same old, same old. There's like nothing good around here. After dinner we sat by our waterfall while he smoked the cigar I bought him.

I'd be lieing if I said all is OK with me. My PTSD is in total flare up mode and as much as I try to keep it in, I have to talk it out. Yet, I don't want to. What do you do with heavy painful stuff when your husband is mostly to blame for the PTSD you developed 11 years ago? Talk about complicated and touchy.

Then we were off to see the Captain Sky movie. It was definitely different. It was a great movie and a welcomed distraction. We got home around midnight. I have an appointment today with the therapist for PTSD. I'm really NOT in the mood to talk today. I want to just hide. It's only our second meeting so I have to go but I think I'll just ask her to give me suggestions on how to cope with the symptoms.

Unwanted thoughts, memories, dreams.

All relating to the traumas starting in October of 1992. Am I suppose to let myself remember them, process through them, or if I can try to block them out, which has never worked anyways. Why is this even happening now?

Each time I seem to go through these cycles I remember more stuff and I can see why my mind must have forgotten. He can't offer much solace as he wasn't himself during those times. That was a black year for us and it was before he gave his life to Christ. It doesn't change the damage that I apparently have carried around all these years. Those were seven months of hell when he was out of his mind on substances nobody should be on.

I on the other hand was a trauma victim, repeatedly allowing myself to be used and abused. Frozen. Unable to be the strong person I am. I sat helpless while I lost everything, including nearly losing my children. I've forgiven myself and cut myself some slack. I was young and completely blindsided, I lacked the tools I needed, and I had no idea just what I was up against.

I am learning those memories are stored differently then regular ones. Which explains why when I'm having flashbacks they seem so real and urgent. Like whatever it is that is rolling through my mind has just happening recently. There's a sense of urgency and pain mixed with anger and fear.

Llike they are present, happening in the here and now. I can really have a hard time coping with the overwelming feelings of pain, betrayal, confusion and anger. If Mondays weren't already a drag now I have to look foward to these "sessions" since she's only there on Mondays. In the long run this is what I need I guess. I now know I'm not totally crazy or just unable to let the past be the past.

It has been like twelce years since those dark months.

September is stormy for me. I now know people we thought were friends had begun offering him that crap around this time. I know that his mind was getting twisted in September of 1992 and by the first week of Oct 1992 he was gone. I felt like how we had was defiled. I was abandoned. My heart was broken. My son was confused. Our daughter was born, without him there. I never saw it coming. The therapist is right when she says she can see why this month and the month of October can be hard for me.

They are triggers.

Our original wedding date was set on Sweetest Day of 1992. We were to be married before Snoo was born. R had always wanted to get married long before, but being a young, worrying girl I made excuses to delay what my heart wanted all along.

I put it off, due to mistrust and uncertainty. Rightly so as it would later seem. However, it's not fair to judge it that way. Good and decent people make mistakes. Even worse so when they are not themselves. Sweetest Day is always extremely hard on me. Each year R tries to distract me, provide me with new memories. He is so wonderful that it has been more of a joy to celebrate.

For most people it's just a corny holiday that hallmark capitalizes on, but for me, it's a bittersweet memory of what once was and never will be again.

It's a reminder of innocence lost.

Broken dreams.

It was a "what would have been" sort of day.

I'm learning how to reclaim that day. I've already gotten R's gift this year.

It's so absolutely PERFECT that it's going to be so hard to not give it to him.

My Love is

I took a silly little quiz. You know the ones. Everyone forwards you these cheesy questionarres and even though you've told yourself that you'd never do another one, before you know it you're typing in your name, weight, age, hair color, gender, if your dumb enough bank account numbers.

This time wasting quiz told me that my love is:

• Delicious
• Gentle
• Light up a day
• Heart warming
• Beautiful
• Entrancing
• Everlasting

Who makes these things up, anyways?

My To Do List

Still no time or desire to blog or take pictures lately. I'm moping.

1)Pick up my little man
2)Do Lunch
3)Go to mall for Gymboree returns
4)Look at all the stuff I can't buy
5)Complain that I can't buy them
6)Come Home
7)Complain that my house is still a mess (I also apparently think I have cleaning fairies that fly in while I'm gone)
8)Find distractions to avoid cleaning the mess
9)Break down and clean the bathrooms, kitchen and do laundry
10)Declare that I will not complain anymore or proscrastinate

Just to prove I'm serious this time, I'll post before and after pics of my clean areas. Which we both know likely will not happen on account of the last word of #10

School started. Doing the Happy Dance

Not to be left out, Lil' J is starting K4 and wanted a 1st day of school picture too. He digs his Genuine Kids outfit. J didn't start today because he trashed his arm skateboarding yesterday and his elbow looks like it went through a meat grinder. The things a 8th grader will do to get out of school.
He I made it through his first day. My baby is in K4. I thought I just did this with Mooch the other day? When I came from San Diego with the three kids I thought I was putting the last 'baby' into K4. Then I end up with a Y2k Wisconsin baby that shoots up like a weed and leaves me at home all alone. Sniff. Don't worry, I can think of lots of things to do.

Little miss shopping queen aka clothes horse and camera ham. Everything with Mooch must coordinate including the not shown Mudd belt. Why did she pick these Mudd jeans? Why, for the cool black and pink "M" is for Mooch belt with the matching hand purse of course. She likes her ensemble. Funny thing is, black and pink was bitchin back when I was in 5th grade. Like, for sure, for sure.
Now, I know what you're thinking. It's OK. I was thinking it too. I kept telling her to just be natural as her expressions were scaring me. Her first words were, "Oh my gosh, MmmOmm, I look like such a nerd". I reassured her she looked more like Cindy Loo Hoo then a nerd, but this picture is pretty geeky. Snoo has always hated getting her picture taken. This picture does NOT do her justice at all, but we're all getting a good laugh at it, including Snoo.