Inspector Diaper. Do-doot-do-doot-doot-do. Yeah, there I said it. I've been sifting through the poo like I’m some sort of top secret investigator on a mission. You know that slime in Ghost Busters? Well, I think it's in Eva's diaper. Either that or the The Teens are pulling a prank on me. (Hey, let’s Nickelodeon slime the baby’s diaper when she’s not looking.) You know, just so they can gauge my level of mental stability after just four hours of sleep and mystery poop.
When I learned that I was going to have a newborn in the house again after almost nine years, the reality that I'd be changing dirty diapers like an assembly like worker didn't escape me.
Only, the memory of how a mom often frets over the appearance of baby's doo-doo did. It starts in the hospital when well meaning nurses instruct you on the importance of keeping track of the amount of wet and poopy diapers your amazing little baby has. Like caring for an itty bitty human being when you feel like a genetically-mutated zombie isn’t hard enough. You mean I have to make elaborate spreadsheets to record, track, itemize, and summarize every sleeping, eating, and pooping habit of a my newborn?
Didn’t I sign up for the motherhood gig? What’s with the secretarial duties?
And because The Experts know that your tiny newborn will be pooping at every single feeding, especially if their breastfed, they try to help you take the guessing work out of poop-keeping, by saying things like, “If their stool is larger than a quarter, typically that’s considered a bowel movement, go ahead and put that into your data sheet.”
The size of a quarter? Oh. So, what does it mean then if their poop projectiles across the room, ricochets off the wall and splatters the dog in the eye? Where the check-off box for that? Or is my baby the only one God gifted with a rocket launcher in her bowels?
Let’s insert co-parenting into diapering duties. If The Husband is upstairs, I find myself hollering up at him, “Honnneyyyy, is her poop mustardy? Or is it green again? Is it seedy looking? Oh, and is it larger than a quarter?”
No response.
“Heyyyyy, did you hear me? I asked you if her poop is at least the size of a quarter? Cause we have to keep track you know so...“Yeah!!! I heard ya! I’m a little busy here. Wiping poop off her back and out of her hair, so quit your hollering!”
It didn’t take me long to stop asking him her little “presents” as it seemed totally unnecessary.
The girl farts with such velocity; her skid marks are larger than a quarter. Besides discussing the contents of your child’s diaper is counter-productive to any romantical parents might have. Not that, romance isn’t elusive enough around here as it is. Honestly, I’m not convinced that Eva isn’t the result of another immaculate conception. I figure, if it’s a code 5 diaper or higher.
Oh, and I can’t forget the best part about the duty of poop-keeping in motherhood. The references of food when discussing and analyzing poop.
Is it the consistency of peanut butter or yogurt? Perhaps soft cheese? Is there mucus in their poop, like say, the consistency of grape jelly? If yes, and it’s the color of currant jelly, take her to the emergency room RIGHT away!
Well, doctor, sometimes it looks like she’s got mashed small curd cottage in her pants with strands of spaghetti squash. But lately, the poop is green with some mucous. Sometimes it’s stringy with a tinge of blood. I’m sorta freaking out here, but she’s happy, smiling, and devouring my left breast with gusto, so should I be worried?
I get the token replay, “Green can be normal and it just an indication of many different factors. Is the green the shade of spinach or say frozen peas?”
Well, are there peas or spinach that glow in the dark and are the shade of neon green? Then, um no. If so, that would be along the right color spectrum. Then imagine the consistency of a melted ice cream sundae topped with green phlegm.
Yup, I gagged too.
March 24, 2009
May 17, 2008
A Mother's Inscinct
Do not read if
From The Electric New Paper, Singapore
The earthquake in China unleashed one of the most powerful forces on earth - love.
Whether it is a mother saving her child, a female cop breastfeeding lost infants or celebrities moved to act, it was there like a comforting blanket amid the pain, grief and heartbreak.
Perhaps one of the most powerful examples of these acts of love is the last desperate act of a dying mother, trapped in the rubble, trying to save her 3-month-old baby.
Knowing the end was near, she nestled her baby to her breast, so that the baby could survive after she was gone.
Dr Gong Pu, a 30-year-old gynaecologist told nddaily.com that rescuers were searching through rubble along a river in Chengdu when they came across a young woman cradling a baby in her bosom.
The mother had lifted up her shirt to breastfeed the baby. By the time they were found, the mother had already stopped breathing.
PROTECTING HER BABY
Said Dr Gong: 'We carried the baby carefully from the mum's arms. The baby started crying after its mouth left the mum's breast.
'It left tears in our eyes.
'From the way she was carrying the baby, we could see that the mum was doing all she can to protect her child.
A mother's instinct to protect even extended to strangers.
In Jiangyou county, policeman Jiang Xiaojuan, 29, was seen breastfeeding a rescued infant.
Mrs Jiang is still lactating as she gave birth six months ago.
However, when she heard about the quake, she left her baby in the care of her parents.
And when she saw hungry infants crying at the rescue centre, her motherly instincts took over.
She is nursing the children of three women who were left homeless by the quake and were too traumatised to give milk, as well as five orphans.
The orphans had been placed in an orphanage which does not have powdered milk.
Mrs Jiang's selfless act prompted netizens to sing praises of her on various online forums.
Some even posted MTV-style videos of her, using just that breastfeeding picture on youku.com, the Chinese equivalent of YouTube.
Nine-day-old baby He Jiahui receiving first aid in Dujiangyan. She and her mother were found trapped under a collapsed house. Said one netizen, called The Mollusc in Dayun River: 'To the most respected policewoman, I offer you the greatest salute.'
Another named Dearest Mum said: 'You have taught us what is the meaning of a mother's love.'
That's the power of compassion and it has spread.
--- isnt that heartwrenching? I love that mother for what she did for her baby.
From The Electric New Paper, Singapore
The earthquake in China unleashed one of the most powerful forces on earth - love.
Whether it is a mother saving her child, a female cop breastfeeding lost infants or celebrities moved to act, it was there like a comforting blanket amid the pain, grief and heartbreak.
Perhaps one of the most powerful examples of these acts of love is the last desperate act of a dying mother, trapped in the rubble, trying to save her 3-month-old baby.
Knowing the end was near, she nestled her baby to her breast, so that the baby could survive after she was gone.
Dr Gong Pu, a 30-year-old gynaecologist told nddaily.com that rescuers were searching through rubble along a river in Chengdu when they came across a young woman cradling a baby in her bosom.
The mother had lifted up her shirt to breastfeed the baby. By the time they were found, the mother had already stopped breathing.
PROTECTING HER BABY
Said Dr Gong: 'We carried the baby carefully from the mum's arms. The baby started crying after its mouth left the mum's breast.
'It left tears in our eyes.
'From the way she was carrying the baby, we could see that the mum was doing all she can to protect her child.
A mother's instinct to protect even extended to strangers.
In Jiangyou county, policeman Jiang Xiaojuan, 29, was seen breastfeeding a rescued infant.
Mrs Jiang is still lactating as she gave birth six months ago.
However, when she heard about the quake, she left her baby in the care of her parents.
And when she saw hungry infants crying at the rescue centre, her motherly instincts took over.
She is nursing the children of three women who were left homeless by the quake and were too traumatised to give milk, as well as five orphans.
The orphans had been placed in an orphanage which does not have powdered milk.
Mrs Jiang's selfless act prompted netizens to sing praises of her on various online forums.
Some even posted MTV-style videos of her, using just that breastfeeding picture on youku.com, the Chinese equivalent of YouTube.
Nine-day-old baby He Jiahui receiving first aid in Dujiangyan. She and her mother were found trapped under a collapsed house. Said one netizen, called The Mollusc in Dayun River: 'To the most respected policewoman, I offer you the greatest salute.'
Another named Dearest Mum said: 'You have taught us what is the meaning of a mother's love.'
That's the power of compassion and it has spread.
--- isnt that heartwrenching? I love that mother for what she did for her baby.
I hope you're wearing waterproof mascara.This story broke my heart.
From The Electric New Paper, Singapore
The earthquake in China unleashed one of the most powerful forces on earth - love.
Whether it is a mother saving her child, a female cop breastfeeding lost infants or celebrities moved to act, it was there like a comforting blanket amid the pain, grief and heartbreak.
Perhaps one of the most powerful examples of these acts of love is the last desperate act of a dying mother, trapped in the rubble, trying to save her 3-month-old baby.
Knowing the end was near, she nestled her baby to her breast, so that the baby could survive after she was gone.
Dr Gong Pu, a 30-year-old gynaecologist told nddaily.com that rescuers were searching through rubble along a river in Chengdu when they came across a young woman cradling a baby in her bosom.
The mother had lifted up her shirt to breastfeed the baby. By the time they were found, the mother had already stopped breathing.
PROTECTING HER BABY
Said Dr Gong: 'We carried the baby carefully from the mum's arms. The baby started crying after its mouth left the mum's breast.
'It left tears in our eyes.
'From the way she was carrying the baby, we could see that the mum was doing all she can to protect her child.
A mother's instinct to protect even extended to strangers.
In Jiangyou county, policeman Jiang Xiaojuan, 29, was seen breastfeeding a rescued infant.
Mrs Jiang is still lactating as she gave birth six months ago.
However, when she heard about the quake, she left her baby in the care of her parents.
And when she saw hungry infants crying at the rescue centre, her motherly instincts took over.
She is nursing the children of three women who were left homeless by the quake and were too traumatized to give milk, as well as five orphans.
The orphans had been placed in an orphanage which does not have powdered milk.
Mrs Jiang's selfless act prompted netizens to sing praises of her on various online forums.
Some even posted MTV-style videos of her, using just that breastfeeding picture on youku.com, the Chinese equivalent of YouTube.
Nine-day-old baby He Jiahui receiving first aid in Dujiangyan. She and her mother were found trapped under a collapsed house. Said one netizen, called The Mollusc in Dayun River: 'To the most respected policewoman, I offer you the greatest salute.'
Another named Dearest Mum said: 'You have taught us what is the meaning of a mother's love.'
That's the power of compassion and it has spread.
From The Electric New Paper, Singapore
The earthquake in China unleashed one of the most powerful forces on earth - love.
Whether it is a mother saving her child, a female cop breastfeeding lost infants or celebrities moved to act, it was there like a comforting blanket amid the pain, grief and heartbreak.
Perhaps one of the most powerful examples of these acts of love is the last desperate act of a dying mother, trapped in the rubble, trying to save her 3-month-old baby.
Knowing the end was near, she nestled her baby to her breast, so that the baby could survive after she was gone.
Dr Gong Pu, a 30-year-old gynaecologist told nddaily.com that rescuers were searching through rubble along a river in Chengdu when they came across a young woman cradling a baby in her bosom.
The mother had lifted up her shirt to breastfeed the baby. By the time they were found, the mother had already stopped breathing.
PROTECTING HER BABY
Said Dr Gong: 'We carried the baby carefully from the mum's arms. The baby started crying after its mouth left the mum's breast.
'It left tears in our eyes.
'From the way she was carrying the baby, we could see that the mum was doing all she can to protect her child.
A mother's instinct to protect even extended to strangers.
In Jiangyou county, policeman Jiang Xiaojuan, 29, was seen breastfeeding a rescued infant.
Mrs Jiang is still lactating as she gave birth six months ago.
However, when she heard about the quake, she left her baby in the care of her parents.
And when she saw hungry infants crying at the rescue centre, her motherly instincts took over.
She is nursing the children of three women who were left homeless by the quake and were too traumatized to give milk, as well as five orphans.
The orphans had been placed in an orphanage which does not have powdered milk.
Mrs Jiang's selfless act prompted netizens to sing praises of her on various online forums.
Some even posted MTV-style videos of her, using just that breastfeeding picture on youku.com, the Chinese equivalent of YouTube.
Nine-day-old baby He Jiahui receiving first aid in Dujiangyan. She and her mother were found trapped under a collapsed house. Said one netizen, called The Mollusc in Dayun River: 'To the most respected policewoman, I offer you the greatest salute.'
Another named Dearest Mum said: 'You have taught us what is the meaning of a mother's love.'
That's the power of compassion and it has spread.
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