I am thinking of putting an ad in the paper.
Mother seeking a legal and safe solution to the prevention of the baby's early walking. If anyone knows of a safe supplement for breast milk that keeps babies from being able to stand up and take steps before mom is officially ready to admit baby is fast approaching toddlerhood, please call 555-1212 as soon as possible. Also, while you're at it, if anyone has ideas on how to keep their blasted shoes on, I'll give you free cheerios for a year! I've tried finding a use for stray baby shoes, but to no avail. Due to the high cost of replenishing shoes, socks, and hats, the mother might be unable to compensate. Please consider payment in the form of breast pads. (they make great coasters) I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Picture of the culprit. Note the missing shoe. Have mercy on me.