June 29, 2005

De-lurking weekend

Here you go, it's your chance to de-lurk, say Hi, and share your blog with me. If you've linked me, why don't you let me know so I can check your place out.

I'm heading out to Harrison, MI until Tuesday. Granny misses us. (this actually means she has work for us to do, but it's all good)

I'm so, so, so looking foward to getting out of this house. The sink is leaking down into the basement, the cat keeps peeing everywhere, (no amount of lysol can remove the stench of mildew & cat urine) and I'm actually beginning to take pleasure in ant killing.

I see ice cream, parades, s'mores, sparklers, picnics, hammocks, watermelon, swinging in the sun, swimming, homecooking, and the price is right in my future. Woo hoo. Oh yeah.

Should I leave tonight instead? Then I could let the kids watch some movies, force them to sleep all night (dramimine) and be there in time for homemade biscuits. Mmmm.

Stay tuned for pictures, and stories of my hill billy relatives. If you can't laugh with them, you can laugh at them.

To my girls, miss ya, I'll catch up when I get back. Have a safe weekend everyone!

June 28, 2005

Dear Tom, shut up!

(Up until now, I've had no desire to blog about Tom Cruise. Before he was just an annoying celebrity, but now he's a total whack job)

Hey, Tom, I have never speculated, or cared about whether or not you are gay. I take no part in the paparazzi that hunts you down by not buying magazines about you. Why would I want to read that you're just as dysfunctional as I am, only richer.

I could have cared less if you divorced your insanely beautiful wife just before the legal cut off to avoid giving her %50 of your assets. It was a nasty thing to do, but none of my business.

Even when I saw you flip out on
Oprah, and thought to myself-wow, I thought Scientologist's were against drugs-- whether legal or prescribed--so why has he been huffin' paint?-even so, I made no judgments about your obnoxious crack head behavior. Hey, if you're sprung over a girl young enough to be your daughter after stalking watching her in Batman Begins, that's your prerogative.

Even though you're a Scientologist, (which we all know is a crazy concept started by a man that admitted he wanted to create a religion that would make him rich) I don't care. I'm fairly tolerant of others beliefs. If you want to believe that 75 million years ago, some alien galactic ruler named Xenu who was supreme ruler of 76 over populated planets, that's your business. Even if you think Xenu audited all of them to pay taxes, with the plan of injecting them with alcohol & glycol until they were frozen, who am I to tell you how stupid and foolish that sounds?

OK, I'll admit, when Xenu then took all these frozen people and sent them off into space in ships that looked like airplanes with rocket engines, I started thinking you are one beer short of a 12 pack. Do alien gods drink beer? But again, to each their own.

I mean, I believe that Jesus is God's son. "God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever shall believe in Him, shall not perish, but have everlasting life," (Jn 3:16) I am a woman of faith, and I respect others beliefs. But aliens injecting tax delinquents and sending them off to earth as a punishment?

Now, that takes some faith. And a lot of brainwashing.

But when you, an actor, start acting like a know-it-all brain doctor, I have problems with you. Who are you to say, that people don't truly suffer from

Who are you to say that there's no such thing as a chemical imbalance. (Hmm, doesn't being injected with alchohol and gycol until you're frozen and thumped into outerspace, account for something of an imbalance, hey?)

Who are you to say that ADHD doesn't exist? Come live in my house for 24 hours. Try and sit and help my intelligent, yet extremely distractable, disorganized, forgetful child, with their homework for five hours, only to see them go to school and forget to turn it in, because they forgot it was even in their backpack and tell me they just need vitamins.

Who are you to say that vitamins are a cure all and replacement for sanity saving medication? Who are you to say that all psychiatric drugs are evil and should never be taken? You KNOW that all prescriptions drugs are bad?
Let's hope none of your kids ever need any. You might make them sweat their diabetes away.

There are about 13 to 14 million people suffering from a depressive disorder. Tell them it's a false reality. What should they do then? Wish it away? Go see one of your movies for a quick distraction? Or detox in a Scientology sweat room?

Oh, by the way, when you grow a vagina, squeeze out a little being with a head the size of a cantaloupe, sleep for only ten minutes at a time, go through a major hormonal overall in a matter of days, nurse a baby with cracked nipples, THEN you can comment on PPD. Is that happening anytime soon O' Tommy boy? I didn't think so...

But I guess you a good reason to be both stupid and a little crazy, you know, since you were injected with that odd chemical compound so you could be frozen and sent to earth to be punished as a cute, millionaire. That must have been rough. Well, at least for your subconcious, because I doubt you remember much of that trauma, being as though you're living the high life with millions of fans goo-goo-gaaing over your dimpled smile. Or was that your alien ancestor that suffered banishment? Or is that really us in an alternate reality? Confused Tom? I am. I think I need a turn in that sauna of yours.

I don't feel sorry for you though. Your fame, beautiful women and millions of dollars should help you cope, no? That's something your average depression sufferer doesn't have. Nor do most parents have your millions of dollars to get the finest doctors, specialists, behavioral therapies, brain spects and tutors. Too bad for them I guess. Especially if they can't afford vitamins either.

Hmm, maybe if Ron. L. Hubbard had sought helped for his obvious schizophrenic delusions people like you wouldn't be paying millions of dollars to a "religious" society whose basis is the redemption of all those spirits of frozen aliens that were just trying to pay their taxes abd got dumped to planet Earth as punishment.

Then they were forced to watch 3D movies that implanted a false reality (what we "earthlings" apparently live in today) and had to attached themselves to us. So, this would be the root cause of this false reality we live in? (eAnd YOU are talking down to others, about "drugs". Do you hear voices, Tom? See the virgin Mary in your cornflakes?)

Dude. Puhlease. Step away from the crack pipe. Who are you fooling here?

I've known friends and family with
depression. I've suffered myself. I have two kids with ADHD. One with Tourette Syndrome. I know what it's like to see them struggle. I know all too well what it's like to have smart, talented, creative children barely get by in school because they can't stay focused, can't remember, organize anything, or absorb the knowledge they need to in order to move confidently from one educational concept to the next. Don't sit and tell me that we're being glib.

"Matt, Matt, you don't even — you're glib," Cruise responded. "You don't even know what Ritalin is. If you start talking about chemical imbalance, you have to evaluate and read the research papers on how they came up with these theories, Matt, OK. That's what I've done."

You say, "I know the
history of psychiatry and you don't." Wow, Tom, do divulge this secret knowledge you have that we don't.

God forgive me, but you need to SHUT UP. Move on. Do what you do best. Make millions of dollars for playing make believe, charter your private jet so you can fly off to Paris, fill up on decadent delicacies, drive your fancy cars, and go to bed in your multi-million dollar house or $7,500 per night suites.

But leave neurology, medicine, parenting, and the business of Xenu God to those more qualified than yourself!

Oh and by the way, I still respect your right to believe what you will, even if I think it's a load of crap, but let me just say speaking as a Christian, there's NO way you can be a Scientologist and a Christian.

""Scientology is something that you don't understand. It's like you could be a Christian and be a Scientologist." What a load of crapola. You should just stop talking, unless your lines are scripted.

"It is a religion. Because it's dealing with the spirit. You as a spiritual being. It gives you tools you can use to apply to your life."

Uh, no. Being a Christian and a Scientologist is like being a human being and an alien spirit at the same time. Hello? It's impossible. Try that for false reality. Which spirit is Scientology dealing with anyways? Mine or the spirit of the alien attached to me from Xenu's planet?

Cause if you're talking beliefs, my God is the Creator of this universe and the Earth I dwell on is His Creation. He's the Alpha and Omega. The First and the Last. There is none before Him. There is no tyrant with a devious plan to handle over population by freezing the bodies of aliens, brainwashing their spirits into believing in some "false reality" on the Earth they were dumped on. I think playing make believe for a living is the source of YOUR "false reality" pretty boy.

If you want to to make more ignorant statements which include my faith, let's talk religion, Tom. I believe the only One to come to this Earth that can be considered "non human" is the
Lord Jesus Christ Himself. Immanuel. God with us. He's both fully God and fully man. And the only spirit attaching itself to me is the Holy Spirit. I'll accept that reality any day over your gobbly gook.

This is America though, and I'm glad that you have the right to believe in nonsense. Not all my family or friends believes what I do. That's OK. You even have a right to preach your ridiculous theory about naughty alien life before mankind corrupting all earthlings religion. But you do not have a right to add to the shame and guilt that your fellow alien spirits, human beings suffering from depression, anxiety and neurological abnormalites endure. Do them all a favor and stick to your day job.

Don't worry though, I'll still see your movie,
War of the Worlds, because Steven Spielberg is one fine director.

Now I'm off to take my vitamins, because I'm having violent visions of smacking you over the head with a frying pan.

June 26, 2005

Type anything, anything at all...

and you too can have it spelled with flickr letters.

L2neon sign ISSa

Your turn

June 25, 2005

Summer is upon us

And as always I seem to pine for warmer days and summer sensations during the long dark days of winter and frozen springtime.

Here's a
post back in March (and a pic of my sweet lil man) when I wanted summer so bad I found it hard to make it through the Spring weeks. Of course I enjoyed Spring, but it just seemed to be for two weeks then Summer came straight away. Now it's hot, hot, hot.

I sit and write this as I listen to a summertime thunderstorm. The air is moist and humid, and steam rises as the cool rain falls on the hot ground.

Finally we have some reprieve from ankle swelling heat. Funny how in Winter I welcome this hot season and when it's here, I long for the rain.

(Be content Lissa, enjoy each time for its own pleasures)


RUN, don't walk...

to the therapist if you're searching this:

how to make breast milk sexy if your not pregnant

For once, I'm speechless. Please, come back after my mail order degree has arrived.

The heck if I know. Serve it in a wine glass during a candelit dinner, complete with sultry music? Or you could try storing the breast milk in a sexy pantyhouse. Hey, it just may work. (not really, but I'm not sure you'd know the difference)

In case you are wondering what was hit from this search, see this

Why that post came up...your guess is as good as mine.

Can't my searches be like: co-sleeping, blogs for Jesus, or homemade cookies? Instead, it seems like I get my share of crackheads.

Oh vey

June 24, 2005

Foto Friday

Mystery was finally solved.

So that's what's happened to all the pineapple tops. And to think I was blaming questioning the kids.

Hungry Cat

June 21, 2005

No Sexy Pantyhouse for you!!!

OK, OK, I get it. You think it's funny to google idiotic phrases in order to get my blog to come up?

Enough already. First it was an obsession with goodnites, and now it's
sexy pantyhouse. In your defense, (whoever you are) there are other dork's that are searching sexy pantyhouse. (I get an average of 5 hits a day from this, and many with the same IP address. So, I'm not totally paranoid...I know your out there, with an evil cackle)

But clearly, there can't be that many bad spellers. Or dorks. Can there? Maybe I'm lucky & I'm not being stalked but there's just a bunch of people with typos worse then mine.

Or a
re you my UK lurker? If so I thank you for dropping the poop goodnites crap. That was getting quite irriating. Delurk already and stop with the games. I promise I won't bite. (Hard)

UPDATE- You win, I'm #1 for yahoo now when it comes to sexy pantyhouse. Satisfied now? But did you happen to notice this:

Did you mean:


Metamorphosis: Sexy Pantyhouse

Can you even spell? Is this the internets retarded version of calling my house, asking if my fridge is running, and then giggling....why dontcha go catch it then? Or are you just trying to drive me nuts? Don't bother, it's a short drive. One I'm very willing to bring you along with. :o)

Come now, move on to something else. This is getting old. Didn't you know that searching for sexy pantyhouse was so yesterday? Tchah..

MeMe Madness

It was bound to happen. Although I've been vocal about disliking Memes, email chain letters & other "get to know you's" I sometimes play along. I've been tagged. This one is very l-o-n-g, but I can deal with it. Some of the questions were too naughty, repeats, or not understandable, so I tweaked it a bit. I have no idea who the original author is but any of mine are marked with an *. In bold are true statements.

01*. Been an adoptive or foster parent
02. Swam with wild dolphins- I wish. Been on a dolphin cruise though
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula.
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said I love you and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Done a striptease
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Stayed up all night long, and watch the sun rise
15. Seen the Northern Lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables -sort of, I planted onions as a girl & tried them
19. Touched an iceberg
20. Slept under the stars
21. Changed a baby's diaper -yes, but I never experienced the Zen in doing so (mah girls know what I mean ;o)
22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon - I so want to
23. Watched a meteor shower
24. Gotten drunk on champagne- tasted it, ew
25. Given more than you can afford to charity
26. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment-all the time
28. Had a food fight
29. Bet on a winning horse
30. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
31. Asked out a stranger
32. Had a snowball fight
33. Danced in the rain
34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can- I'm trying to break my own record
35. Held a lamb - just before I ate it *evil grin* (J/k)
36. Enacted a favorite fantasy
37. Taken a midnight skinny dip
38. Taken an ice cold bath
39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
40. Seen a total eclipse
41. Ridden a roller coaster - just rode the whizzer-don't laugh, technically it counts
42. Hit a home run
43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days
44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
45. Adopted an accent for an entire day
46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors -I wish
47. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
48. Had two hard drives for your computer -currently
49. Visited all 50 states
50. Loved your job for all accounts
51. Taken care of someone who was totally plastered- (many times, my mom included
52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
53. Had amazing friends
54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
55. Watched wild whales
56. Stolen a sign
57. Backpacked in Europe
58. Taken a road-trip -lots of times, who hasn't?
59. Rock climbing
60*. Taken pictures of complete strangers
61. Midnight walk on the beach
62. Sky diving
63. Visited Ireland -I wish, see #46
64. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
65*. Bought food for a stranger
66. Visited Japan
67. Benchpressed your own weight
68*. Milked a goat
69. Alphabetized your records
70. Pretended to be a superhero -wonderwoman rocks!
71. Sung karaoke
72. Lounged around in bed all day
73*. Been in a movie
74. Tried scuba diving -going to take lessons this summer
75*. Been to Lililth fair
76. Kissed in the rain
77. Played in the mud
78 Played in the rain
79. Gone to a drive-in theater - Oh yeah, in my jammies
80*. Have Regrets
81*. Been to Tijuana
82. Discovered that someone whose not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog
83. Dropped Windows in favor of something better
84. Started a business
85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
86. Toured ancient sites
87. Taken a martial arts class
88*. Been a bully or been bullied - A girl got a whole neighborhood of kids after me, all cause a boy (too old for me anyways) , liked me and not her
89*. Camped out all night for a show, movie, or beanie baby
90. Gotten married
91. Been in a movie- didn't notice this was a repeat-
92. Crashed a party
93. Loved someone you shouldn't have
94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy
95. Gotten divorced
96*. Breastfed more then a year
97. Gone without food for 5 days
98. Made cookies from scratch
99. Won first prize in a costume contest
100*. Lied about your age - incredibly in my early 20's I fibbed & said I was older
101. Gotten a tattoo
102*. Eaten snake- no, but watched it be gutted & eaten by my mom
103*. Stayed somewhere different then what you told your parents
104*. Had a poem published
105. Got flowers for no reason
106*. Been intimate in a public place
107*. Ran a red light - it was very much an accident
108. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug
109. Performed on stage
110. Been to Las Vegas - San Diego native, and I never made it there
111. Recorded music - was forced to for a class project (Qe're the World)
112. Eaten shark
113*. Shoplifted
114. Gone to Thailand
115*. Seen The Cranberries live
116. Bought a house -I hope to soon
117. Been in a combat zone -does my house count?
118. Buried one/both of your parents -no but my dad was murdered when I was 2
119*. Read every book in the Bible- yes, but that was too long ago, must do again
120. Been on a cruise ship
121. Spoken more than one language fluently- trying to learn gaelic & French
122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone- no, but someone got in a fight attempting to defend me
123. Bounced a check -thanks to persons that will remain anonymous
124. Performed in Rocky Horror
125. Read - and understood - your credit report
126. Raised children - trying to
127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy
128. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
129. Created and named your own constellation of stars
130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did - An Irish ancestor settled in MN & then murdered someone
132. Called or written your Congress person
133. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
134*. Ran in a marathon
135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
137. Had an abortion or your female partner did - no, but regrettably considered it
138. Had plastic surgery
139. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived.
140. Wrote articles for a large publication
141. Lost over 100 pounds
142. Held someone while they were having a seizure
143. Piloted an airplane
144. Petted a stingray
145. Broken someone's heart
146. Helped an animal give birth- no, but I took pictures of a cow in labor at State fair. Wanna see?
147. Been fired or laid off from a job
148. Won money on a T.V. game show
149. Broken a bone - my little toe- and yes, it did hurt VERY bad
150. Killed a human being- no, but have wanted to
151. Gone on an African photo safari
152. Ridden a motorcycle= yep, and wrecked
153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100mph
154*. Sent a message in a bottle
155. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild - Picked them in MI. Mmm
157. Ridden a horse - love it
158. Had major surgery
159. Had s*x on a moving train
160. Had a snake as a pet- My moms boyfriend caught one while camping & much to my disgust kept it my room. One day I noticed it was gone & for weeks I was pertified it would crawl into my bed at night, perhaps to eat my brain. I guess he never found it important enough to tell me he had let it go out in the yar- I say that's child abuse. :o)~
161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
162. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing - No, I get the talkers
163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
164. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
165. Visited all 7 continents- gosh, I feel very unadventerous
166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
167. Eaten kangaroo meat
168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground- yeah right
169*. Hunted an animal
170. Eaten sushi- eww gross. I had california rolls, but I don't think it counts
171. Had your picture in the newspaper
172*. Been in a car accident
173*. Are an organ donor
174. Gotten someone fired for their actions
175. Gone back to school
176. Parasailed- Captiva Island, it was incredible
177. Changed your name
178*. Ridden an elephant
179. Eaten fried green tomatoes- de-lic-ious
180*. Given gifts or notes as a secret pal
181*. Met an online friend
182*. Bought a homeless person a meal
183*. Been to Mardi gras
184. Taught yourself an art from scratch
185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
186. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt- I'd like to
187. Skipped all your school reunions - well I left before graduating with them so..
188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
189. Been elected to public office
190*. Seen a dead person that you didn't know
191*. Slept on the beach
192. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
193. Taken in a stray animal
194. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
195. Had a booth at a street fair
196: Dyed your hair - just about all the colors of the rainbow
197: Been a DJ
198*: Been born again
199*: Watched a whole film in a foreign lanuage
200: Been arrested- no, but I was in jail while in utereo

I'm tagging Adri, Kathy, Beth, Misty, Sandy, Christine, So lost, and fictures

June 20, 2005

Comparing two prayers

Dear God, so far today, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, and I haven't lost my temper.

I haven't been grumpy, nasty or selfish, and I'm really glad of that!

But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on, I'm probably going to need a lot of help.

Thank you! Amen.

(got this in beliefnet email, but I'm pretty sure it was written with me in mind. :o)

Oh, how I wish to be able to put "Metamorphosis Complete" in my title bar. But alas, I'm humbled before God as I see my own reactions to my current trials. I know I could go postal at any moment if it weren't for the Holy Spirit working within me. I know I'd be cussing if it weren't for that restraint. (and I have) I know every good thing in me is not of my own accord. I'm so glad for my friends, even if they don't know fully what I'm going through. Thank you.

Now my prayer:

I feel hopeless and broken before you Lord
Oh how I want to be more like you
But there's an innner struggle within me now
I'm fighting within myself
I want to be refined like silver
I want to love with your fullness
I want to speak with your kind compassion
But I'm in the way

Please create in me a new heart
A renewed mind
So I can be the woman, wife, & mother you created me to be
Oh, how I want my legacy to be different then that of my mother
Of her mother

I do want to walk and not faint
but I just seem to stumble

I want to be worthy to be called your daughter
I feel so small and yet so big
To stand before you & know you hear my words
My plea
See my tears
Love me unconditonally
How can this be?
Knowing all I've done & all I will do

How can you, my God & Savior, being the creator of this very universe
call me your daughter?

Even in my anger, my fear, I possess so much amazement at this.

I'm here Lord, speak to me
I want to listen
Open my heart & my eyes to you
Work with me, guide me, instruct me, use me
I trust you (Proverbs 3:5,6)


June 19, 2005

Join in, come on..

Take the MIT Weblog Survey

Your turn

June 18, 2005


So the headache is gone, but a new pain is planted in its place .. Oh and I believe I'm allergic to malt liqueur. At least it's not a brain tumor.

Sleep finally surrendered to me, or I to sleep. I slept in today, but had the strangest dreams. All of them involved water, which was safe at first, but then became ominous and threatening.

Lately I have anger sort of simmering below the surface and I feel completely unable to communicate with the people & family members I'm most disappointed in. Whereas normally I can, now I feel stuck. Frozen. I have no problems pouring a hot pan of anger on my own head.

I'm always hardest on myself delivering ginormous amounts of judgment, correction, and guilt inducing observations.

Healthy, no. Reality, yes.

I hate the feeling that I can't express what I'm thinking and feeling to said persons. I've lied to my kids this week. I've lied to my grandma. I've lied to a stranger.

I'm not a liar, and I hate that I had to lie to protect those I love from the truth.

I hate the feeling that I can't even pour my heart out on this blog, a place I am usually brutally honest. (Are they watching? Reading?) I feel disconnected from my lover, as if the soul in soulmate is missing.

My mind is wandering to places it 'shouldn't' go. To thoughts I shouldn't have.

I hate the feeling that I don't feel safe enough to speak these burdens to another. And that I feel distrustful of those closet to me. I can hear their predictable responses. Their judgments. Their possessing the truths of what I'm going through--or what I'm feeling --I fear will surely come back to haunt me later.

Today, I feel a new kind of pain, a different kind of suffering, and one I bare in silence.

Ah, but I'm not without hope, and this too shall pass. (Phillipans 4:19

June 17, 2005

My head HURTS

That would make it a headache. No, more like a brain ache. Does my head hurt or is it my brain? And since I'm blogging nonsense I might as well admit that I hate the word brain. Yes, that was totally in left field, but I do. It's a creepy word. Brain. Eww. Brain. Ick. The word gives me the willies.

I can't sleep either. I hate insomnia, I never know if it's a blessing in disquise or the beginning of my downward spiral into insanity. Which at times isn't a very long spiral. It would be more like a little loop-de-loo into loopyland.

I'm rambling, and you probably don't care. Well, most of you at least, and I don't blame you. Oh, and I just smelled pretzels out of no where. Now I have this incredible craving for salted pretzels dipped in chocolate. Sigh.

June 15, 2005

Free Ice cream

Then God created Ice Cream....with Starbucks Coffee.

What, you hadn't heard? Go taste for yourself on
June 29th.

Homer says, mmmmm, free ice cream.

June 13, 2005

oral s*x is not Sodomy

People, stop saying such stupid things.

If I hear one more 'christian' rant about oral s*x being sodomy I'm going to stab my ears out. Ok, not really, but I'm very close. It's just driving me INSANE. How do you figure? No, really, I'm serious. How do you?

Listen, I try so hard to be graceful. To acknowledge and learn from my cognitive and spiritual metamorphosis, to listen patiently & respectfully to everyone's point of views. But, the stupidity, oh the stupidity!!!

And the lack of logical reasoning that comes from the mouthes of seemingly intelligent people is mind baffling to me.

Case in point: Oral S*x (I included that link to show you just how many people think this or they wouldn't have wrote about it. I'm obviously not the first to hear this. At first I thought they had their anatomy confused...but it's apparent they are serious about this. I'm just about done with biting my lip as I listen to this nonsense, I just can't figure out where anyone gets this idea?)

It's NOT, and I repeat NOT sodomy. It's just incredibly stupid to believe that this kind of lovemaking equates to sodomy and I'm so sick of hearing it. And dare I say that anyone going on and on about how 'christians' shouldn't do "that" probably has never had good s*x themselves. (was that mean to say?)

Maybe, since they are too worried about whether its 'appropriate", "dirty", or the way the "world does it".

Yes, these are all real statements I've heard and it's just plain pathetic. Has it really gotten to the point where we can't tell the difference between "s*xual immorality" and enjoying s*x with our spouses as it was intended to be enjoyed. (provided you can stay awake long enough to hide-a-way from your little co-sleeping- nursling-that -thinks -you're -an-all- night- booby -diner)

Or should I just settle for--I'll show you mine if you show me yours-- in my marriage? It seems to me that people have too many sexual hang ups and think they have to put them on others.

News flash for you.

Sex is good. Sex is fun. Sex is pleasurable. Pleasure is good. Pleasure is fun. Pleasure is very much PERMITTED. Please do yourself & everyone else a favor and go read the book Song of Solomon.
(2:3 As the apple tree among the trees of the wood, so is my beloved among the sons. I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.......
4:16 Awake, O north wind; and come, thou south; blow upon my garden, that the spices thereof may flow out. Let my beloved come into his garden, and eat his pleasant fruits)

By the way, since when is christianity about do's and don'ts?

And while I'm ranting (yes, see, I'm still a work in progress) , please don't email me with some diatrabe of why I'm wrong, and you're right, and oral s*x is sodomy, and I need to repent. I might just send you a link to 'why christians should be having hot s*x'.

Ok, I think I'm done. If you are shocked that I've typed oral s*x about 10 times, I'm a married grown-up, I think I'm allowed to. I'm not only about momness and my faith, I'm also a woman, a wife, and a lover.

I told you I'm prone to talking about anything and everything at any given time, and yes, s*x is one of them. That and stupidity. You've been warned.

(Yes Kris, I can hear you now, 'for a christian you sure are a perv'... ;-)

June 11, 2005

Happy Birthday to J...

My first "baby" is 15 today. And I'm an emotional wreck.

On this day 15 years ago, a 16 year old girl gave birth to a boy:

22 1/2 in

Named after an OT saint, his father & both grandfathers (his middle name is the same as both my dad & R, and my FIL's first name)

I'm only 31, going to be 32 in August, but I'm sure you can do the math. The year that was hardest for R was when J turned 12. I had no problems at all, I was thrilled for him. R was emotional, reflective, regretful, happy, and insistant that we not let J turn 13. He could get a year older, but he'd still be 12.

For some reason, this birthday is hardest for me. I feel like I'm standing on the precipace of adulthood with him.

I think too because it was his 8th grade graduation on Thursday night. He wasn't graduating at Calvary like he should have, but instead at this public school after starting at the end of November. He was asked to leave CBS two days before picture day. So, as far as the world is concerned my son didn't exist in any school yearbook. He's not listed in CBS's yearbook since I took him out before picture day, and he's not even listed as "picture not shown" for this school. He's not listed anywhere at all!

As a parent, that breaks my heart. Especially since when he repeated 7th grade least year at CBS, I totally forgot to send his check in, and I didn't send it in later (not sure why I kept doing that since I have every other year, something subconcious maybe?). He said, "don't buy them mom, my picture was terrible."

But when I saw the class picture at the end of the year it was a GREAT picture. He had grown so much it seemed, and I wanted to document the school picture as I had every year before. So I don't even have a school picture from last year either. Now, I have two years worth of missing school pictures.

I'm both happy and I'm sad. I'm both reflective, and looking towards the future. Time went so fast and I think back on all the things I regret as a mother, and all the thing I'd do differently.

I wouldn't have let him live with his paternal grandma when my husband (with a meth addiction) left us homeless when J was 2 1/2 & a new big brother (J was then abused by R's stepdad)
I wouldn't have let R expose him to that pain, or give him a chance to mistreat him when he was going through withdrawls
I would've gotten help so I could be a good mom then, emotionally available & nurturing
I would've insisted we all get family therapy after R was clean & back home (even 3 y.o's need that)
I woudn't have let R be so hard on him after things changed
I would've gotten J into AWANA & church at a much younger age (he started at 7)
I wouldn't have taken things so seriously when he was younger.
I woudn't have worried about what people thought of me as a young mom, which made me feel like I had something to prove
I would've had his friends over more often, even if the house wasn't as big as theirs or as tidy
I wouldn't have tried as much to make him be the "big boy" of the pack
I would've gotten more help for him, so he didn't struggle so much academically these last few years
I would've had more kid birthday parties
I would've put him into sports or activities instead of waiting for my husband to
I would've asked the pastor if he could've baptized J with R & I 4 years ago (He said he really wanted to be baptized with us, just days before...)
I would've learned earlier that his academics do not define his worth in this world (it's much more then that, and it's not worth having a low self esteem over)
I would've spent more one on one time in prayer with him
I would've bought him that Toy Story comforter to match his sheets. :o)
I would've sent him to Christian summer camp much earlier (he loves it there)
I would've tried harder to stick to my word, or not say things I didn't know I wasn't going to be able to do

I would've, would've, would've.

But a the same time, I have so many precious memories of the things I did right, and the knowledge that he believes I'm a good mom. That I've loved him all along, that I've done so much for him that was never done for me, and that I'm proud of him and always have been. He knows I believe in him, and that there's nothing he could do that would ever make me love him less.

I have four more years of doing things better, and Lord willing, a lifetime of being his mom.

June 10, 2005

"Shot gun wh*re"

That just came out of the mouth of my sweet handsome son. The one that is so thoughtful and romantic, he makes me a beautiful wunch to woo me into matrimony.

Yes, that same son just said, "shot gun wh*re" into the microphone while playing xbox live. My husband lets him play, much to my disliking, and apparently other players don't like being beaten by a 5 y.o.

When J wants to be a game shark he'll have squishy say into the mic, "hey, be easy on me, I'm only 5 years old." How can they be ruthless to a little gamer just trying to have 15 minutes of big boy fun?

Until they hear him shout, "shot gun wh*re!"

Then the other day Squishy told me that J was being a "nazi" and wouldn't let him play and he was a "poser".

Good lord my sweet little guy just cussed, that's it, the xbox is being banned! I'm going to be the bad cop parent. R just usually laughs when people get annoyed at getting beat by a 5 y.o, or tells him not to let them know he's 5.

Squishy isn't usually allowed to play Halo or live xbox. If he does, he doesn't get the headset, but today he did. He watches big brother & his friends. He so wants to be like them. How come so many dads let the little boys play these games? I just want him to draw widdle trees, alligators, and super heros.

Hmm, since its in vogue to blame others.... Maybe Squishy has been secretly hanging around
Adri's boys.

(Oh, and just what exactly is a shot gun wh*re? Anyone know?)

Foto Friday

Originally uploaded by Melissa in Butterfly Bliss.

When bad shorts happen to good people.

This is where acid wash shorts belong.

The bonfire was in my grandma's back yard during our memorial day visit. Everything in me was screaming, "take those shorts off now and let me burn them!!!" As everyone sat licking their cones, I had the disturbing thought, that if I just panced her real quick I could fling them into the fire at about 3.5 seconds. Yes, I still have my naughty side.

Explaining my actions to my cousin and her son (boy in white), would take much longer though. Getting my grandma to stop laughing would be near to impossible. But fashion justice would have been served.

If you think I'm just being mean, and they can't be that bad..think again.

This is an actual picture of the shorts my cousin wore. To see a larger view, to appreciate the true heinousness, (and possibly go blind) login in to flickr, click on view sizes & selet largest and you'll see what I mean.
Ice cream in hickville

Yes, this woman, my sweet dear cousin, (if you ever read this, please forgive me), not only owns a pair of acid wash jeans in year 2005, but she WORE them in public.

If that wasn't a violation enough, they actually have hole(s). Not one, not two, but many holes on both sides. Is my holy-roller-born-again-spirit-filled-pentecostal-recovering-chrisitian cousin secretly an exibitionist?

Look closely, yes those are black flats, with a pointed tip. Oh yeah, it's that bad.

When I made a comment about this unholy ensemble, she tried to justify them & laugh them off. My girls didn't buy it as you will see below.

Look at the expressions on my girls faces.

She's wearing those shorts?

I think that says it all, don't you?

(Those shorts got away, for now, but all was not lost. My kiddos sure looked cute & the ice cream was good)

June 07, 2005

Mom, will you marry me?

Mom, are you looking forward to marrying someone else? (I'm taken a back by both his question, and his vocabulary)

Me: No, no, why would you ask me that?
Squishy: Because sometimes you get angry at daddy. I don't like when you're mad at my dad.
Me: What do you mean? What do I get angry at him about?
Squishy: I don't know

........He says this as he's rinsing something in the sink. What I do not know, because I'm not allowed to go in the kitchen. He's preparing us a picnic lunch. I heard the mention of peanut butter though, and something about needing a blue lid.

Me: Well, aren't you going to tell me what you mean? (R & I rarely fight, but we tease constantly)
Squishy: Hold on mom, I have to change my shirt because I got a widdle bit of peanut butter on my shirt and I had to rinse it off.

He runs upstairs and returns topless.

Squishy: I'm looking forward to getting married soon. Know who I'm going to marry?
Me: I don't know, who?
Squishy: YOU!! (Said with a sly grin)
Me: You silly boy, I can't marry you.
Squishy: So, are you looking forward to marrying me?
Me: Squishy.......(I'm laughing) I can't..
Squishy: Mom just say it, are you?
Me: You know I can't marry you, I'm married to your daddy. Plus you're my Squishy. I thought you were going to marry Laney?

(R's goddaughter. He whispered into my ear last month, "Mom, I have a secret. Don't tell anyone, but I'm going to marry Laney.")

Squishy: I don't want to marry her anymore. I want to marry my mama. I wuf my mom, she's so beautiful. That's why I'm making her food. I'm making good food. Really yummy, yummy food, that she'll like so much. She'll say, "heheheheh, this is really yummy food." Stay there mama, don't peek. Your sandwich is coming right up
Me: Yum. So, tell me how I'm mean to daddy? Like how?
Squishy: I don't know, but I still wuf you very, very much, and you're beautiful. My beautiful gorgeous mommy. Mom, I like the way you kiss daddy. Muah-muah-muah. Muaaaaaaaaaah. You give the best kisses. So that's why I want to get married soon. I want to marry you. So mom, are you looking forward to marrying me? Your handsome son?
Me: (Laughs) Squishy, you're so cute.
Squishy: YAY, I think she's going to marry me.

He's been in the dining while I'm in the livingroom. I can't look at him at all. He leaves to get me a 'tiny soda'. (8oz can of Pepsi)

Squishy: I'm doing so much to make you a beautiful wunch. For you and me. You'll like it so much. Mom, how do you get this to closed?

I look over & he's trying to shut last seasons (Bob the Builder is passe now) purple lunch box. The problem? The sandwich is hanging out of the lunch box, almost cut in half.

Squishy: I need your help, but don't look yet mom, please don't open the box.

I close my eyes, pop it open, plop the sandwich back in, and hand the box back.

Squishy: Mom, you're so smart. You're magical. You can do that with your eyes closed. Ok mom, wunch coming right up for mama. Here's your sandwich my beautiful, wonderful mom.

Then he looks at his sandwich.

Oh, no!! I forgot to cut my crusts off. I'll be back.

He goes into the kitchen, cuts the crust off and returns. "You can have my crust. See, I cut them just for you. If you're really nice to me, you can have this big crust too."

Me: Why thank you. I love the crust.
Squishy: I know mom. Bon appeit. (He learned that from his new favorite book, I love you stinky face)

Squishy makes me lunch
My beautiful wunch. Note, the lightsaber spoons

Proud boy
Proud little Chef

Cereal beware
Cereal Beware. Lightsaber spoon Squishy does have. Escape uneaten you will not

Corn pops
mmm corn pops. Guess he couldn't find the blue lid, so he improvises

Drinking corn pops?
When you can't find the blue lid, naturally you use the water bottle top. What, don't you drink your corn pops? On second thought, is he reminiscing over his nursing days? He was a late weaner.

Ah, this memory will be in my heart & mind forever. What could be sweeter then your little boy in love with you?

June 05, 2005

Don't send your daughter to school!

She might just get pregnant.

So I was reading my friends blog when she posted this article called
Meet the Kid Sisters.

How in the world does the mom figure its the school to blame? If you've got 3 daughters ages 12, 14, and 16 (who were obviously younger when they got pregnant) with boyfriends, I think you ought to assume it's a good idea to let them know about the birds and the bees, hey?

Oh no, but it's apparently the schools responsibility to provide your children with sex education? Not to mention, schools aren't going to teach your morals and values when it comes to sex. The mom, Julie, even mentions that schools don't talk about sex earlier enough. Uh, and why can't she?

Here's what she says, “People are saying I’m a bad mum for letting this happen but I blame the schools — sex education for young girls should be better.

“I do feel responsible, because they’re my children. But I do think sex education should be started earlier.

“Times have changed since I was young. Girls are becoming sexually active in their early teens. They don’t realise how hard bringing up a child is.”

Ok, so why didn't she tell them? Why didn't she tell them how hard it is? Knowing times have changed, why did she assume the schools would take care of it? Did she know her daughters had boyfriends? Did she think those boys wanted to play barbies? Julie actually says the fact her girls are pregnant is astonishing, and "doesn't seem possible." Makes me wonder if the mom even knows what causes pregnancy.

This is what I find astonishing, Julie continues, ""I was so shocked when I found out about Jemma. She thought I would hit the roof and didn't tell me for seven months. I only found out when I took her to buy a new bra and as she was being measured I saw her huge bump."

Know what I think about that? It doesn't seem possible. How in the world do you miss a huge pump on an 11 year old girl? Admittedly, I hid a teen pregancy for a spell, but come on. Jemma becomes as mom at 12 years old, and Julie doesn't even notice she's pregnant until 7 months? Does the mother ever look at her daughter? Or is she stoned out of her mind or something?

And is it really news to any parent that teens become sexually active? Come now, if you go back in history, you'll find the average age range of a bride was.....? Ta da--- in the teens. Biologically, a heck of a lot of teens want sex. How can this mom say such a stupid thing? *shaking my head in disbelief*

I have this novel idea, how about parents talk to their own kids as young as preschool age? Give them age appropriate knowledge about their own bodies, who can and can't touch them, and how things work. Any child molester will tell you that the best kids to go after are children with no knowledge whatsoever about sex. Besides, do parents really think their kids aren't getting sex ed on the playgrounds? Isn't it better for the parent to talk to them first, before little Johnny gives them a biology lesson behind the bushes?

John Askill writes, Jade said she became pregnant with Lita after a one-night stand.

She said: “It was just one of those things really. I wasn’t using contraception and I suppose I just thought it wouldn’t happen to me.

It was just one of those things really.......you know, before I knew it I was nekkid and impregnated. Nooooo, of course that wouldn't happen. Imagine that. Boy meets girl. Girl batts eyelashes. Boy cops a feel. Girl says yes. Boy enters girl. Boy deposits sperm into (fertile) girl. Girl gets pregnant. It's shocking. Astonishing. It doesn't seem possible.

Someone alert the press. Wait, the mom already did.
It's the schools fault.

I was 12, some boy, not much older, kept bugging me for sex. I think parents need to wake up. We're all sexual beings, and to think you can wait to some magic age to have that 'talk' then you've got your head buried in the sand. Besides, most kids aren't paying attention in class when those corny videos are being shown anyways. Does anyone remember those classes? I do, and I don't think most of the kids were paying attention. Sex ed doesn't teach your kids common sense either.

Oh, and here's what the 12 year old girl had to say, “I only told my boyfriend David, who was 14 at the time, but I didn’t want to have an abortion.

“He was my first love but now I’m gutted because he doesn’t want to have anything to do with me or T-Jay.

“He was great to start with but he’s got a new girlfriend.”

No way. You-have-to-be-kidding-me!! Please, someone hand me a damp towel, I'm about to faint from shock. My head is dizzy with befuzzlement.

First, there's a school at fault for the pregnancy of 3 children, all sisters, (homeschooling is really looking more desirable to me now) AND then one of the daddy's got a another girlfriend already? How can this be?

Well dear sweet child, of course he has another girlfriend. What a pity. Could it really be any surprise to her? What's that mother teaching her daughters anyways?

I tell my girls, who are 12 & 11, all the time why according to our faith, they should save themselves for marriage. Ultimately, they will make up their own minds though. Knowing this, we've told them what most boys aged 13-18 (and so on..of course ;o) will want to do if they are "goin' out".

Since they tend to make puking faces at the mere mention of this, 'like why would any one want to do that?' we lay it all out for them. Sex feels good. Every little girl who says, "disgusting" eventually changes her tune, because it's simply biological. They know the boys will try to get into their pants, because it feels good, and we've told them what will most likely happen if they don't think for the both of them. Responsibility people.

I want my girls to guard their hearts, minds, and purity until they are really, truly ready to give it to another.

Of course we want that to be in a marriage to a worthy man. Not just some horny boy. But things happen so I teach my girls that they have power. There will always be little shmucks pressuring them into giving it away. So far, they are not naive little girls. If I asked them right now, if a boy would stay with them if they got pregnant, (at this age) they'd laugh and ask me if I was crazy.

If my kids choose have sex before marriage, and if that choice results in pregnancy, it's nobodies 'fault' but their own. Being a former teen mom my self, (from my now husband) I know what the statistics are regarding teen sex.

Most disturbing to me, is its apparently not illegal in Derby for a 38 year old man to knock up a 15 year old girl.

Askill writes, "Natasha is still with Amani’s dad, who she describes as a 38-year-old gambler. She added: “He comes to see her from time to time. But he’s Asian and still lives with his parents — they don’t know about me or Amani."

Well, that's just dandy. Some pedophile, who still lives with mommy & daddy, gets a 15 year old pregnant (keeps it a secret) and gets to keep living at home?

And how exactly he is with her? He lives at home, keeps his kid a secret, has a gambling problem, and sees the baby from time to time. That's being with her? I think I'd rather be single.

Someone should get smacked. (And it's not me this time!)

June 04, 2005

Blog changes & updates

I'm currently in serious pursuit of a better template. It has been nice while it lasted but it's time to move on to something more aesthetic and reader friendly.

I know I should just make my own, but I'm too much of a perfectionist to do so without driving myself nuts. I could easily end up starving to death at the computer as I would never be able to get up until it was JUST right. Just one more minute..just one more tinker..just one more adjustment.. Heh.

My ideal would be a black background, with the body of the main posting area white in color and about 3/4 in size. I'd like the remaining area for the sidebar.

I'd like a nice title area, with images representing Metamorphosis and my trademark butterfly. On the bottom of the title bar I'd like an area for my email, about me, photo links, and all my other narcissistic buttons. Yes, I know. Picky, particular me.

I dislike blogs that have a lot of image design, with a tiny little narrow area for reading. This won't work when my entries are longer. Whenever I'm shopping for templates I want to pick and choose from 10 different styles to get the one I'd like. I want it the Burger King way at Top Ramen prices.

Dr Phil would ask the ever so famous line, "How's that working for ya?" Well, sir, it's not, since I'm still subjecting my friends and readers to this very boring and crowded template. Sigh.

For that I apologize, can you ever forgive me? Ok, good. Phew.

I also know I have to get rid of most of my blinkies. It's just too much, but I love them. I like shiny. I like sparkly. I like their messages. But I shall divorce myself from them a little at a time. :o(

I've been cleaning up my blogroll if you haven't noticed. I'm sorry if you made the axe, but it was only because you either aren't posting, the links dead, or you smell bad. ;o) More will be adding over the next few weeks so its all good.

Here are new additions:

Christine from Welcome to my Brain is a recent blogroll addition. She shares some of my feelings about parenting and faith. In fact, one of her comments conceived the title for my new blog, Bare Naked Christian Ladies.

I have been thinking about creating a new blog for months now. Because I'm both a mommy blog, and an evangelical blog, my theme is often eclectic. I'm also writing for me, and sharing my life with my friends. (Who don't always share my conservative views) It seemed time to have a new platform for sharing my faith, and thoughts on being an evangelical women in today's world. I'm looking forward to having other BNCL contributors and learning from each other.

Fictures has had me on his blogroll for like ever. I'm sorry it has taken me so long to recipricate. He enjoyed some of my photography from flickr, and added me as a contact. Then from there he added my blog on his blogroll. I've been admiring his photographs for awhile as well. He's got a great eye for shots, and I like his unique style of photoblogging. He seems to be behind though. Come now....time to update.

Misty at Misty's Random Thoughts is a mommy blog I've been reading lately. She's a writer as well. She found my blog (not sure where from) and left a comment. I find I share a lot of commonalites with her and I love her down to earth style of blogging.

Of course, I added BNCL to my blogroll. Thanks for all the positive feedback, and I look forward to other ladies joining and writing as well.

Other changes:

1. Pictures on my sidebar as well as personal tidbits.

2. I joined the 'Blogs that Flickr' webring.

2. Technorati search (I seem to get a lot of traffic from searches there, and figured I'd try out the beta search box

As well as other piddly things. Over the next few weeks I'll be adding new blogs, additional links, and hopefully a new template that is 'me'.

Over the last two weeks I've watched my TTLB status change numerously, at first I didn't even know why I even had it. Someone suggested I joined TTLB quite a ways back so I did. Now every time I turn around I've evolved into a different bug, microbe, or creature.

Then I noticed when I had 300 hits in one day it changed. That's when I said, 'Aha', so that's what it dones. It tracks my blog traffic. Yes, folks, I can be that slow. *smacks self upside the head* My counter is past 6000 now, and since I'm obviously not very observational lately, I didn't even plan ahead to have a "6000" blog party. *Pout* Oh well..

Have a great weekend!!

June 03, 2005

Foto Friday

Originally uploaded by Melissa in Butterfly Bliss.
Here's Mooch is setting up her shot. Can you believe that after being together for 15 years, R and I took the kids bowling for the first time ever? Have we been living under a rock? R had never even bowled before.

We've been in this area for 8 years now, and you can't live in the Milwaukee area and not bowl, you know. (Think Laverne & Shirley)

Now we're bowling fools.

June 02, 2005

Good-bye Grandpa

It has been one month to the day since my grandpa died suddenly in a nursing home. He was there to get physical therapy to help him use his legs again.

He is not my biological grandfather. My dad's dad walked out on them before grandma even gave birth. My grandpa married my grandma when my dad was about 14.

Grandpa had Parkinsons & it had been taking its toll after so many years, and one day in April his legs just gave out. He had already gotten pneumonia after his bronchitis didn't heal all the way.

Then he was falling from the detoriated leg muscles. The pneumonia came back, but he was healing and still doing his physical therapy. He was having terrible pains though from an infection in the digestive area.

On Sunday, my aunt called to say if I wanted to see him alive I'd better get out there quick. I hadn't come out yet because our foreign exchange student was here for two weeks. She left on Sunday night.

I called grandma to tell her we were heading out & to ask grandpa if he wanted the kids to see him there. (He had lost a lot of weight)

We had really thought he'd come home soon. Even when he had the bronchitis & pneumonia he got better & carried on. He was still driving around, going to the moose, the bar, and playing cards with his buddies before his legs gave out. His mind was as sharp as a tack.

She was going to call the doctors on Monday morning to ask them if it was looking like his health would hold up for the therapy to even benefit him.

They were starting to wonder if he was getting pneumonia for a 3rd time.

Grandma knew he wouldn't make it through that, as the Parkinsons was making it difficult for him to swallow & breathe without coughing as it was.

She wanted him to be home, if they thought it was more serious then they were saying.

On Monday at 10:00 am he died. Just like that. She never got to call, never got to bring him home. She was devastated that he died alone in the nursing home.

Everyone thought he was just there to get physical therapy so he could get back home.

My heart aches at the thought of not getting to say good-bye. He knew I was pitching a fit about the car problems & not being out there for his birthday.

I had missed his birthday in February because our dumb van was out of commission. When we realized it wasn't worth it to fix it, we worked on getting a new one. We got our van on April 13th, and on April 17th our exchange student came for 2 weeks.

She left on May 1st. He died on May 2nd. He had been in the nursing home for two weeks, but we never thought he'd die. Maybe we were all in denial as he had been hospitalized twice before losing his ability to walk.

Had I known, I would have rented a car. I would have even walked.

We saw him for Thanksgiving, and we brought a DVD of pictures from his birthday the year before. But grandma had mistaken their new VCR for a DVD player. We didn't even think to borrow their friends. Why we didn't leave it for them to use it at the neighbors I don't know. So he never got to see those pictures.

Regrets are hard to live with, and I, at 31, have more then I can count. I am a slow learner in some ascepts I suppose.

Although, I had written him a letter years ago to tell him what he meant to me, and what impact he had on my life.

You see, when I was 9, I was sent to live with them. My mom was an unfit parent, and always had been.

My dad was a heroin addict. He was getting clean and some 'friends' murdered him. They stole all the money he had, that he was going to use to move back to Michigan. He was on his way back, to change his life, to be a better dad. His goal was to send for me later on. He told my Aunt (grandma's sister) on the phone, that he was going to bring me home to them. To help me have a proper life.

I was 2 years old, and my bitter & immature mom kept me from him. The 'friends' came over, beat him to near death, then shot him up with a lethal dose of heroin. He lay there hanging on to life in the hotel. Alone. Until the housekeeper found him. He fought death off for a week, and then died in the hospital, the only child of my grandma.

To the San Diego police, he was a nothing. A nobody. He was a druggy. Cause of death- 'morphine overdose'. Never mind the huge gash in the side of his head.

Being raised by my mom I was neglected, emotionally abused, and in danger. I had been in foster care as an infant already, and my dad fought to get me out. My aunt (her sister) had taken care of me at one point because my mom lived with friends in an apartment that was infested by cockroaches.

When I was 9, I woke up and was told I was leaving. I'd be gone that weekend. My moms folks to me to Seaport Village for lunch and to see the Annie movie. My parting gift from them was a tiny pair of Annie earrings. I knew something was really wrong, because they had never taken me out like that. My mom had been living with my other aunt. (one of my moms 5 sisters) She cried, grabbed my face, and told me it wasn't my fault. Before this happened they had been fighting terribly, and my aunt wanted her to move.

I was to board a plane, by myself, for the first time ever. I had one tiny suitcase of clothes. Before I left, I had found a $20 bill on the ground while rollerskating in El Cajon. I left it with her, because I worried she'd need money. I went the whole flight without food. I didn't have any money, you see, since I left it for mom. I had to think of her. My mom never bothered to tell me everything was taken care of by the ticket. Even when I missed my flight after leaving my ticket in the seat, I refused all offers for candy bars and sodas in the kids lounge.

So my mom finally gave me up. She finally admitted she couldn't take care of me. She shouldn't take care of me. If my dad's mom wanted me, she'd sign me over. If not, I'd go to foster care. She continued to collect welfare until my grandma reported her. Grandma burned with anger when she knew my mom kept getting money, and yet never even sent me a birthday card.

My grandpa was about to retire that year. I came to live with them in their one bedroom townhouse in Novi, Michigan.

The school year had started already, and I was enrolled at Apple Orchard school, with Mrs. Plume as my 3rd grade teacher. She was an angel on earth. I slept in the basement, on a bed. (in Leota I had my very own room) Something I had rarely ever had before. There was a rhythm to the house, a routine. I ate good meals at regular times. Something I had never had.

I had a real childhood for the first time ever. I got to be a little girl. To have sleep overs, birthday parties, rollerskating trips. I was in girl scouts & played softball. I got to go up north on the weekends to their cabin in Leota, where they were going to retire. There I met my best friend, Krissy.

I ran and played in the woods, catching butterflies, hunting faeries, and picking wild blueberries. Something I had never got to do before. So, this is what I've been missing?

When I moved with them, I was terribly sick. I wasn't healthy, and I wasn't nourished. I suffered from a terrible cold and chest infection for many weeks. But the teacher was patient, and really helped me. When I got a report card that had a D in math, I got the worse lecture of my life.

My grandpa was too harsh with his words, making a prophecy that I'd end up like my mom, or pregnant at 16 by a 'black man', with an earring in my nose.

(Yes, he was a bit of a racist for many years having been beaten to near death by a group of young black men for making them wait at a light after his car stalled.)

I cried. I didn't even understand half of what he was saying. But it did something to me. He cared. They cared. I worked very hard. I practiced day and night. I was the top 3rd in math in my classes. I won spelling bees. I participated in math-a-lons. I succeeded. At the end of the year, my teacher had me stay after school.

So eager to start his retirement up north, grandpa didn't want to wait the last few weeks of school to move. So I had to leave early. I couldn't figure out why I was in 'trouble'.

Instead she surprised me though by taking me to Big boys for a strawberry sundae. I'll never forget that teacher. She treated me like I was somebody special, she saw all my potential. She never defined me by who my mom was, and the life she had been living.

My grandpa could be the grumpy type. He was a heavy drinker, not violent, just an alcoholic. I'd often joke he was Archie bunker. Like all of us, he had his imperfections, and demons.

But he was a good man, extremely generous, and a fabulous host. In all the times he came out here to visit, he'd never let Richard pay for dinner. Even when he'd visit you, he'd drive around to find the closet Moose club, to buy you a drink.

If I saw a commercial for broccoli and cheese, and I said that looked good, the next day it would be in the freezer. My grandma joked that if she wanted something, she should have me ask.

At a time when he should be retiring, he became like a surrogate dad for me. He took me with him to woods to chop trees for firewood. There were dune buggy rides, and visits to the soo locks near canada. I traveled with them all over the state, and throughout the southern states.

For my birthday that first year, he gave my grandma $100 to give me a birthday. I had never had a birthday party before. (except for my 5th, again given by my grandma) I rarely was even given a gift by my mom.

For the following birthday I asked for a German shepherd. He looked high and low for one, and surprised me with a little pup I named Heidi. She ended up being a beagle mix and had legs 4 inches tall. The rule was that she couldn't sleep in the house.

That dog meant the world to me. She was the best dog ever. Of course she was, she was my only dog ever. So when he saw that I was sleeping in the doghouse with her, he relented and let her come into my room. The rule was, she couldn't sleep in my bed.

When he saw, that she was not only sleeping on the bed, but used her own pillow, he gave up.

I was never spanked really, mostly because I didn't need to be, and grandma wasn't the type. But if grandpa got angry and would raise his hand to me (he never would have hit me) she'd get up and growl in his face.

If grandma pretended to smack my hand, he'd do the same. Through grandpa I gained a loyal four legged friend as well.

My mom began calling & confusing me. She selfishly manipulated me into moving back with her. I was finishing 5th grade. She lied to the courts and to my grandma about all that she had done to be a better mom. I was confused. I wanted to stay, and I wanted to go. My mom was filling my head with confusion & lies. (like she sent more cards then she really did!)

I loved my mom, as every kid does, and wanted to be with her too. Could it be better? The courts told my grandma, that she didn't even have to give me the phone, if her calls upset me. That legally, she didn't have to give me back. My mom would have to prove herself. Fearing I would resent her later on, my grandma agreed to let me move back. She kept asking me if I wanted to go. I was unable to decide what I wanted. Yes and no, I'd say. I'd tell my best friend when she'd cry, begging me not to go, "But my mom wants me now. I can go back to California, my mom is calling me and is sorry."

I moved back the summer going into 5th grade, where I again, slept on the floor & went without clothes & food. I'd cry and ask grandma to take me back. She couldn't, she'd say. For me, to have that taste of a happy childhood and lose it, was worse then if I never had it at all.

Years later, I learned something about grandpa during those 2 years I lived with them. My grandpa refused the courts offer of support. He never took a dime from the state. They could have been given a hefty monthly check for taking care of me. Why didn't he?

Because, he never ever, wanted me to think that like--everyone else in my life,--he used me for a government hand out. He told my grandma, he didn't want "that child" to think it was only for the money, that she was being used again.

He never wanted me to think his motivations were other then to give me a better life, to show me a better way, and to show me I was worth something and could do things with my life.

He never wanted me to think it was for the money. It was for love. A little girl he grew to love who wasn't even related to him by blood.

Good bye, grandpa. Thank you. I love you.

Ronald Shepard Ogg
February 28, 1921- May 2, 2005

(That's Squishy with grandpa, they share the same middle name)

June 01, 2005

I'm baaaa-ck

It was a nice break, even it was a working weekend. (my grandma had like 15 year old leaves and dead branches piled in her back yard. Not to mention an outhouse that was falling apart)

The drive on Friday totally sucked. Chicago was congested as usual. I try never to drive through Chicago, let alone Memorial weekend. R is tired of going up and over though, so he got this clever idea from a co-worker to go through waukegan to avoid the tolls and cut down on some time. It wasn't so clever, but we made it safe.

Big mistake. Not so clever either. It was a big waste of time. We did take the sky way and that was alright. We left here at noon and didn't get to grams house until like 10p. It should have been around 8 hrs. Yep, we wasted like 2 hrs going through Chicago.

We kicked butt though this weekend and got lots of work done. My grandma is smoking like a chimney since grandpa died on May 2nd. I've always know she still snuck a cigarette now and then, but now it's ridiculous. There's an ashtray by her chair even & she's constantly lighting up. No surprise that she was hacking and coughing like a TB patient. I told her she needs to knock that off, she hasn't smoked like that in forever and her body isn't used to it. She for once didn't argue, but agreed, so hopefully she'll stop.

My 40's something cousin (grandma's sister's daughter) brought up her computer, and a calling card so R could dial in and help her with an AOL update. Blech. I Told her to ditch aol and get a real internet service. It took forever to download, and kept getting disconnected when people tried to call the house. She knew he was coming out & wanted him to fix her pc.

Anytime anyone knows that he's a computer whiz, they try to bring their sick pcs for a check up. He says 9 out of 10 times it's a user error. Oh well, he looked at it it, and that made her happy. I think she drove my grandma nuts though & she kept rearranging the cupboards. The kids got to play with a cousin, (11 y.o boy) so they were pysched.

Sunday in between working we went into town for a Walravens ice cream, and to take pictures for my friend who airbrushes tattoos. There was a car show in town, so she wanted me to take pictures of their work at the booth they had. I didn't have a close up lense on me, so they aren't that good. Sigh. Squishy got a complimentary spider man tattoo though. He thought he was way cool.

Check back for pics, I just wanted to update really quick.