April 18, 2002

Mommy Money Bags

Just call me Mommy Money Bags. Kids have a way of sucking you dry. And I'm not just talking about the ones that refuse to wean. Take for instance, grocery shopping. Everyone knows that you'll leave with at least $10 in tooth destroying goodies or junk just because you don't want to deal with the sad eyes or worse, full blown tantrums. Since my kids are perfect angels, and I'm totally full of crap in saying so but I'll try anyways I never feel pressured into buying a box of cereal that tastes like sugar coated cardboard just because they are shaped like Winnie the Pooh. I but them because they’re on sale and I have a coupon. That’s right.

However, as of this week it's unsafe for me to visit the farmers market anymore unless I leave the little man at home. You see, there's this lady there that sells tacky lawn ornaments. You know what I'm talking about. We've all seen the nice little old lady on the block that decides she's going to display an unholy combination of Looney Toon characters, kissing Holly Hobbies, and freaky little animals. The lady is quite talented at this unusual form of art, but she's pushy and loud. I almost like her. Recently she decided to create a wooden Barney for the yard. Who the hell would ever want Barney in their yard anyways!?

Nobody, that's who.

Unless you're a mom of a toddler. I'm sure it was her sinister plan to make the purple dinosaur so all the little two year olds will beg mommy to buy a ginormous Barney figurine when all we wanted to do was pick-up the sugar snap peas of the season. Unless it doesn’t sing. Good God for that. I'm disgusted with the clever old hag, but I got to give it to her. It worked. My little toddler decided to run off like a bolt of lightning with his eagle eyes fixed on what he knows just has to be his new favorite friend. He picked it right up out of the ground and ran off with it. At first I was impressed by his speed, strength and his determination. After all, he’s adorable. I humored him by letting him walking around to show passerby’s his best buddy and then I helped him put it back into the ground.

It was futile. He jets back, grabs the thing, and off he goes with it. It has a six inch bar hanging of its foot. Two year olds are fast and clever. I’d put it back, we’d start walking away and since my hands were full heavy produce, he’d dart right away from me and get Barney out of the ground lickety split. The woman was of no help. He was a potential customer and I was his wallet. We did this like four times. It was out of the ground before I even got to him. I now curse the vendors that set up near this woman. This went on for about ten minutes before that little lip began to quiver and his big brown eyes welled up with tears. Then I think I saw fangs.

Oh the frustration, to be only two feet tall and broke and within reach of a talking animal. You've got people ten times your size always telling you no and then dragging you away.

At the risk of losing a finger and totally embarrassing myself even further as I run around with bags of vegetables, a giant wooden Barney and a toddler yelling, "I want Barney!", I gave in and bought the dumb thing. Ten dollars! Ten freaking dollars for something she knows full well nobody in their right mind would put into their yard. Did I mention it has a metal rod sticking of if its foot and Jakey thinks its a TOY? Thank God it's removable or I’d never forgive myself if he poked his eye out with a stupid lawn ornament that I never should have bought in the first place.

He's so happy though. He thinks he's got his favorite little buddy in the house. He carries that stupid thing everywhere and it's quite big. Superman’s convinced that he's going to hurt himself with it and he constantly questions my judgment in ever buying the thing. I told him he’s welcome to take it away and do the shopping next time. Oh, and the hat was not included. That was Jakey Bee's idea because” mama says you hafta wear hats in the sun.”



April 09, 2002


Today in southeastern Wisconsin a male toddler contemplated jumping off of a large boulder in a popular park in Waukesha county. It was around 12:00pm when the toddler became so distraught by his mother's contstant barage of pictures, that he then decided whether or not he should jump off a rock for some reprieve. We're happy to report that after some coaxing and reassurance, the tense situation was resolved and the toddler was seen frolicking near the river with his father. The mother had no comment today, however, she was seen trying to take pictures of the news crew, to document memories of the incident for the said toddler's baby book. Something like that.

No more