June 18, 2005


So the headache is gone, but a new pain is planted in its place .. Oh and I believe I'm allergic to malt liqueur. At least it's not a brain tumor.

Sleep finally surrendered to me, or I to sleep. I slept in today, but had the strangest dreams. All of them involved water, which was safe at first, but then became ominous and threatening.

Lately I have anger sort of simmering below the surface and I feel completely unable to communicate with the people & family members I'm most disappointed in. Whereas normally I can, now I feel stuck. Frozen. I have no problems pouring a hot pan of anger on my own head.

I'm always hardest on myself delivering ginormous amounts of judgment, correction, and guilt inducing observations.

Healthy, no. Reality, yes.

I hate the feeling that I can't express what I'm thinking and feeling to said persons. I've lied to my kids this week. I've lied to my grandma. I've lied to a stranger.

I'm not a liar, and I hate that I had to lie to protect those I love from the truth.

I hate the feeling that I can't even pour my heart out on this blog, a place I am usually brutally honest. (Are they watching? Reading?) I feel disconnected from my lover, as if the soul in soulmate is missing.

My mind is wandering to places it 'shouldn't' go. To thoughts I shouldn't have.

I hate the feeling that I don't feel safe enough to speak these burdens to another. And that I feel distrustful of those closet to me. I can hear their predictable responses. Their judgments. Their possessing the truths of what I'm going through--or what I'm feeling --I fear will surely come back to haunt me later.

Today, I feel a new kind of pain, a different kind of suffering, and one I bare in silence.

Ah, but I'm not without hope, and this too shall pass. (Phillipans 4:19