August 21, 2007

I have a Vision

I am coming out of hiding for just a moment. The Husband is watching Big Brother upstairs on the bed because he's hurt his back for the millionth time. I keep trying to tell him he needs to ditch his secret dream of being a ballet star. It just doesn't suit his body type. Those pirouettes will kill ya.

I've gotten to where I can't stand the show anymore so I hijacked his laptop and I'm downstairs surfing the web for unglamorous things like blank chore charts, nontoxic dog throw-up remover, and dwarfs who get their goodies caught in vacuum cleaners. None of which have anything to do with the other, but my web surfing often has no rhyme or reason to it. I like to multi-task. Which really just means I get distracted easy.

The kids started whining about how they want to watch Big Brother Cries-A-lot so I gave in. Has anyone else noticed that BB doesn't redecorate the HOH room anymore? That's because they're spending $500 a week on facial tissue for the unstable asshats in the house that the show's executives apparently screened while cranking on Salvia. Or some other strong hallucinogen.

Of course the show has to open with Ambur-sting-into-tears-all-the-time going on about how she's had some sort of slop-induced vision of how she's going to win the POV and her whole game will change. Anyways, is it actually safe for a person to cry that much? Really. I'm worried about her. The girl is going to dehydrate herself.

Wahmber dear, I have a vision for you.

I see crying in your future. You will sob about everything and anything. You will sob so much that your face will contort until you reach a phenomena known as the Ugly Cry. You'll look like the scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz leaking large amounts of fluids from your eyes. Go ahead, rent the movie, don't say I didn't tell you so. You will begin to mumble incohorent things about how much you love people you've only known for two weeks. America will laugh and roll their eyes and there will be contests across the country to see who can do a better Wahmber impersonisation. In order to qualify they must first show emotional and mental instabilities, an insufficient vocabulary, and an ability to lose large amounts of fluid without passing out. And when you get home and see yourself on TV, you will curl into a ball in embarrassment and not just because your eyebrows look awful.

Listen, I'm getting worried for you. Like seriously. Girl, I'm not sure it's safe for one single person to cry that much in their entire lives. And I have four children!

Those four children also want to know what's wrong with the crazy chic who cries all the time and talks out of the side of her mouth. And they're all pretty crazy themselves, so if they're asking-that says a lot. They're rolling around the floor with their feet flung into the air heckling like a bunch of laughing hyenas everytime you sob like a little girl who watched their kitty get squashed. It has become a running joke around here. When I ask them why the maxi-pad wrappers are on the kitchen floor, why there's lettuce in the candles, and why the railings are broke, they burst into fake crying.

"I just don't know why this keeps happening to me. I'm a good person. I don't know how that all happened. I swear, I'm not lying, I've never lied in the house. I swear on my childs life". They've got you done pretty well.

And frankly it becomes very hard to reprimand your child for making fun of people when you are choking back your own laughter. You should see them, they even perfected the squivering lip and forehead stretch. What can I say, my children are talented little beasts.

And to you, Danielle, you really should eat a sandwich. The malnutrition is setting in. You're taking Wahmber off the chopping block? What pray tell for? So we can watch her sob herself to death? And while I'm at it, shouldn't you be looking for the crazy little garden gnome who keeps stealing Jessica and Amber's eyebrows? Cause you might be next.