September 02, 2005

Giggling Mother-in-laws

My husband is extremely buzzed right now.

I don't know what's up with him because he doesn't usually drink at all, but today he came home with Mike's Hard Lemonades, and downed five in about fifteen minutes. Good for him that the kids aren't around, because I don't like having alcohol in the house. It's one of my issues. My mother-in-law had one or two. She doesn't usually drink either. She's living with her parents to look after them and her father is a Seventh Day Adventist pastor. You're going to hell if you even want to eat meat or wear jewelry, let alone have a beer.

The Husband went upstairs to lay down, which is what non-drinkers do after they consume too much alcohol too fast. He left me with his grinning, tipsy mother. I love her and all but it's a little awkward to be around buzzed in-laws. I should be used to it given my childhood and my current demographic. This is Wisconsin afterall, the capital of drinking, and schmoozing with tipsy family members. Especially the family members of friends or in-laws.

've had my share of evenings spent with relatives who have drank too much. You never know when they are going to start breaking into song like some corny disney musical. And I'm not fond of musicals. Especially when they star a chubby aunt who wears too much make-up, short skirts, and bad perfume. My favorite though is when they wax poetic and start the "I love you man" diatribe. Nothing says I love you like mama slurring booze-breathed sweet nothings into your ear in between hiccups. It's charming.

After awhile I went upstairs and informed my husband that if he thinks he's going to leave me downstairs alone with his tipsy sixty-year old mother, he's crazy. I'm laughing at their perma grins. She just ger-zurped my husband. He's thirty-two and has chest hair. Yeah, I'd say she's tipsy.

Tipsy, adj. The usual signs are a flushed face, stupid grin, loud voice and a profound love for mankind. The sufferer is incredibly deep, intelligent and insightful, but prone to giggles.

I keep looking over at them and they have these silly grins. I want to shoot nerf darts between their eyes. I have too much to deal with and hungry children on the way home. We need to decide on dinner and nobody can make up their mind about what kind of pizza to order. I think my mother-in-law suggested spegettios with portabella mushrooms and cheese on top. Preschooler food never sounded more gourmet.

If they start in with the signature high pitched whines for Funyuns, ding-dongs, and Mountain Dew I think I'm going to leave them for to their own demise. I'll make sure they can't use any appliances before I leave of course.