October 20, 2005

Mayday. Mayday

Help me! First off, I know I've been a bad bad girl. Not updating for two weeks! Oh. My. Good 'N Plenties, has it really been that long?

My grandma called me. She's planning on arriving at my house TOMORROW NIGHT. Yes, she just sprung that on me. Of course, I can't wait to see her, but it's not the best time for her to come out. Being broke for the week, having a laundry room sink clogged, and a house full of sick people, some that aren't feeling very well either, is posing a challenge for me.

OK, back to my long lack of posting. Shame on me. I know.

My absence really has nothing to do with the fact that I've been asked to be a driver and chaperone for every field trip Jake has had in the last two weeks. There have been 3.

It has nothing to do with the fact that Ms. Moochie turned 12 and I had to make a Mexican fiesta for her birthday dinner, clean the house, and pretend like I have the skill and time to be Martha Stewart.

I don't think it has anything to do with the fact that my computer seems to like disconnecting me from DSL lately, and when I try to rescan it decides to steal my neighbors wireless connection. Not only is it not legal, but his connection blows. Stinks. It's crap. My pc is making me VERY ANGRY, I tell you. MELISSA IS VERY ANGRY!

Maybe it is because I've actually been leaving my house to run errands and take beautiful fall pictures.

Or maybe it's homeschooling the 9th grader. Trying to get this kid to do his work has been a pain in the ass very interesting. He's a 15 year old version of a Halo 2 addicted Robin Williams intermingled with Jim Carrey with the skateboard urges of Tony Hawk. He said he's calling CPS on me, or the Marines, because he shouldn't have to do a Language Arts lesson that is 3-4 pages long. It took him 6 hours to get the lesson done one day, and I'm quite sure the publishers only had about 40 minutes in mind.

I don't think the fact I've felt a bit like eyeore lately could explain my absense either? I mean really, couldn't I just sign on to regurgitate news, post some silly quiz about which Charlies Angel I'd be, or ponder the meaning of life? Nah. I'm too lazy for that and I like you all too much.

Oh, maybe it's because we've been sick and my big baby of a husband sweet, strong as iron husband was laid out on his back for two days.

I don't think reading The Handmaid's Tale in two days and Rage Against the Veil: The Courageous Life and Death of an Islamic Dissident, in 4 days was a contributing factor either. Nor could my reading Song of Solomon and In the Eye of the Storm simutaniously, be getting in the way of my blogging either. I don't think at least?

Could it be, that since I've decided to really take this domestic engineer business seriously that such duties have encroached upon on my blogging prowess? I mean, I'm actually dusting, cleaning, organizing, cooking, polishing, scrubbing, and mending my days away. Well, most of my days. I think I've now proved to myself that there's a good reason why I despise all of those mundane tasks I'm supposed to be doing with a sense of loving service.

Can't I just get a maid?

I know what you're thinking. You don't agree that any of the above reasons could be a good excuse as to why I haven't updated all of you on my life and quirky thoughts. Shame on me for trying to convince you that they were. Right?

OK, here goes.

The real reason for my quietness was that I abducted my aliens. Yes, it's true. I went for a walk through the park, to take pictures of Wisconsin in Autumn glory. Then I was standing too close to the lake when all of a sudden a glowing light caught my eye. I was in a trance, when instantly I was sucked under water where the perfunctory prodding, poking, and probing took place. Don't worry, I won't be giving birth to a strange marine creature, they were gentlemanly enough.

However, I didn't care for that part as much as they would have liked me to. I think my dissatisfication was very obvious since I was gifted with pink diamonds, pearls, and a lovely mermaid suit, complete with mermaid flipper feet. They allowed me to choose a look with purple, green, blue, and pink scales. I looked rather dashing, I should say.

I had to go meet the leader of these aquatic mermaid like aliens. I had quite a bit of tripidation when mingling with these intelligent fish forms. After some time though, my inquisitiveness got the best of me and I began to befriend some of them. Once you get past the fish breath, it's not that hard to be friendly and make friends with their kind. They were having a monthly bash, complete with food, dancing, and corny pick up lines. After watching them do the mackerelena I felt it was time I asked why I was there and when I would get to go home.

Their message was quite simple really. All they want is for all the men of Wisconsin to stop wearing speedos to the lake. Apparently, the very sight of these men, especially the fat and hairy backed ones, are killing off the females of their kind. They either combust or turn lesbian. Pretty soon the men won't have enough females to carry on the species, or even worse, accompany them to the monthly mackerelena bash.

I thought it was a fair enough request, and since they treated me rather kindly I agreed.

Here's the message: Men of Wisconsin, please refrain from prancing around the lakes of south east Wisconsin in a speedo. When you see a speedo in the store, do NOT mistakenly think it's calling out your name from the shelves. It's a lie, do not be deceived. You will not look like a hot lifeguard. For all of our sakes, please just say no. Instead, board shorts will do nicely. And if you wouldn't mind, could you maybe consider waxing your back? Sometimes I've had to wonder if a little time spent in the sun before arriving wouldn't be nice.

Well folks, there you have it. I went through quite the ordeal, wouldn't you agree? But, I take my job as an ambassador for these aquatic aliens seriously. It's my duty to put an end to pasty, hairy, chubby men trying to pass off tight, ugly panties as swimsuits.

Hey, don't you believe me? It is so true. No, I haven't been watching too much TV lately!