January 03, 2007


Salutations and warm wishes for a healthy happy year. As you can see, it has been two and a half months since I've last posted. Hours turned into days, days into weeks, and naturally, weeks turned into months. I think, it happens like that. It's shocking. Don't say I've never taught you anything.

At first I was too busy and overwelmed with my new schedule working outside of the home and trying to homeschool hyper, inattentive, and disorganized children. And trying to remember just how I got myself here to begin with. Then I began to drown again and everything felt futile. Life happens and I forget how to put myself first and do what I want to do.

I knew there were people checking back on me wondering why for months I've been like this. I knew there were family and friends coming to check in on me. To peer into my life, to see the world through my eyes, and to read the honest confessions of an often unindustrious housewife struggling to balance feminine independence and an urge to nest and nurture a happy home, however crazy and odd its occupants can sometimes be. I knew others like to see someone other then themselves admit that we can be in love with our families and still not like them some days at all and that it's OK. We can feel that way and still want be great moms. We really do adore our kids ever the more and if listening to other peoples squealing children whizzing by my head and down slides in a room of chaos while I dine on greasy compressed chicken parts and over salted fries isn't love, I don't know what is.

Yep, other moms are sometimes unhappy with their lives without knowing why. Yeah, I know I'm blessed. I know I should have nothing to complain about. I have kids. They are healthy. Well, most of the time. It doesn't mean I don't want to bang my head into the wall somedays or that I don't ever look at my brood and think, "Whose kids are those? Where did they come from? And why am I still in my pajamas?"

So why do we sometimes complain, contemplate building our own kid free house on our property or feel like there should be something more to this, if being a mom--stay at home or otherwise--is what we've always wanted? Because, that's why. It's a woman's prerogative to not only change her mind, but to lose it as well.

Yeah. Go ponder that for awhile. Anyways, moving on. I couldn't help but feel, why bother? What's the point? Nobody cares, I don't care, I don't feel like it. Now, this isn't how I feel about my blog or writing per se. Or even life. Or my friends. Could there be mild depression? Sure. more likely I just have indiffrence due to symptoms of stress (life will do that for you and so will homeschooling challenging children).

And getting back to my friends, the truth is that truthful, honest, and frank confessions of my daily life, thoughts, struggles, and changes were getting fewer and fewer. I filled space with fluff. I like tea. I woke up at 7am. Thirteen ways I.... Blah, Blah, Blah. Yawn. Just like a child knows you're not listening when you are nodding and saying--yeah, hmmm, uh uh, that's nice--you can tell when someone is just trying to keep up, but there's not much soul behind the scenes.

It's not just my cyber communities that I check out on. I'm too removed from my friends and family lately and I bet woman at church think I'm either stuck up or anti-social. The truth is, when I get uber stressed and overwelmed, I just drop out. I hate that about myself, but it's true.

Busy or not, as always I'd have nothing and everything to say just not the time nor energy or will.

Oh, and a working computer. When I'm as stressed as I've been and having computer time as been as hard as its been, the motivation to stay tuned in goes way down. Yeah, a working computer helps quite a bit if you like to blog and upload pictures. And that brings me to here. This seat that I write from on my husband's computer. My Old Faithful was not so faithful after all and she has been retired to babyville where children romp and frolic through her small and unventful garden of memory and files of games of an era gone by. She gets them on the internet highway for an hour a day of censored fun though, so all is not lost.

I mourned her. I thought of the good times and bad. About all my letters, pictures, files, documents, and emails that she arbitarily saw fit to discard, misplace, or send into the black hole of cyber space. Our friendship was always a fickle one come to thing of it, but I've moved on and I'm starting over. I may not have my own computer for now, but my behemoth hard drive for pictures and documents has found a new home and I'm settling in pretty well. As long as I got my picture with me, I'md good. I can actually upload, edit, and share my photography without the computer rebootings itself due to a bad "intel driver" whatever that is. Now, I just need to figure out how to master this new camera and resizing dilemnas. If that wasn't good enough, I can now actually instant message without leaving the other person hanging because windows froze up for the 10 millionth time or I'm typing in slow motion. I don't know how must have been more annoying, myself or those who were always wondering where the hell I went or if I could type a sentence without it looking like some ancient code from a lost civilization. I'd be typing but my computer would be so slow and my connection so delayed that my keyboard only picked up every third or fourth letter.

I rlly as tting suprr siiick o fthat.

I can actually post an entry without having to first type into Word Perfect, reformat the text after copying and pasting the saved document into blogger as if I'm having to perform acts of acrobatic kung fu over the lazer beams of a Smithsonian Institute treasure. That was getting really old.

I'm severely behind on emails, websites, blogs, forums and you name it. If you have missed my comments or feel I've been ignoring you, it's because you smell bad. Nah, really it's not you, it's me. And I'll get caught up. So many of my passwords were not accessible for awhile and I'm only going to be able to recover a few. This means I have blogs that I don't want published, still up and some that I need to dust off that are locked. Eh, I'll just start fresh. I guess this is fitting for the new year should bring about changes and new possibilities. I feel that the further behind I got the harder it was to have the motivation or determination to keep up and jump back in. Yet, it makes perfect sense to me now since I'm always going through some new kind of metamorphosis.

I'm reclaiming my life and what's mine in this world and what I truly want out of it.

I'm reclaiming my house and how I want to live, love, and laugh in it.

I'm reclaiming my relationships, forging new ones, and letting go of others.

I'm going back to being brutally honest and timidly unsure all at once. I'm turning auto-pilot off. I'm going to be present in my life and conscious in every moment.

And now I am off to see Charlotte's Web with LiL' J. He is Some Kid and we're going to have a terrific time.