September 29, 2004

The Madness

Mystery odors, transgender cats..oh the madness.

I woke up too early this morning as usual. Then lil' J started sniffling, no big deal. He's been sick, it's the morning, kids do that. I quickly notice there's a rather large crimson stain on my new white 300 ct sateen sheets from Sam's. Hmm. It know it's not coming from me. I haven't stabbed anyone. Yet. I haven't been stabbed. Then I see it's from lil' J. He's dripping blood from his nose. This is his first bloody nose ever and life would be too simple if it were anywhere other than my crisp, new white sheets.

He wasn't picking his nose this time, as he was asleep. Not that sleep could probably prevent a preschooler from nose picking. Ok, I'm over it. Moving on..

So, I sat with him and did all the right things one is supposed to when their child is bleeding from the head. Or at least I think I did. It couldn't have come at a worse time as either. I have to get The Husband off to the bus if I want to have the car and I'm not about to be stuck in the house again all day. If the kid is not hemmoraging from the brain he is going to school. One thing I should mention is he is totally nekkid. The Preschooler. Not The Husband.

Indeed. Not only is he still sleeping in our bed (I know what you're thinking and yes I know we are the ones who chose attachment parenting-which I still stand by) but he has informed us that he likes to sleep, 'mando'. Now I never know what I'm going to wake up to.

We do the mad dash run around and get everyone dressed in time for R to catch the bus by 6:30a. After the nose bleed was under control and some clothes were slapped on I then had to wake up my fourteen year old who is his usual grumpy-butt-self in the morning.

What, it's time to get up ALREADY?
It feels like I just went to bed. (Probably because did. Just went to bed...
It's time to go already?
But I don't have a lunch.
What about my hair?
But I need to eat breakfast.

After throwing The Husband out of the car at a rolling stop at 6AM, far too early to be dealing with nekkid preschoolers who are bleeding from the head, I rush back to the house to make the boys boys some eggs for breakfast because that's what good moms do. They send their kids off to school with something other than poptarts in their stomaches. Neither of the boys at their breakfast. Little punks. I barely got them off to school in time. Thank God, I don't have to get the girls to school. Sometimes I think I should be fired from this job called motherhood.

Alright, you might be wondering what this has to do with Apple Cider Vinegar? Well, it has absolutely nothing to do with it of course. I digress.

When I came downstairs this morning I about gagged and it's not the smell of cat pee this time. It smelled like nasty and it seemed to be coming from everywhere, but mostly in the kitchen. All day it was a mystery. What is that revolting smell and where is it coming from? Am I really that bad of a housewife? Every time I opened the fridge, the rank wasd so strong I'd wretch, but I couldn't see anything amiss. After a few hours of cursing and, "Why me God, why me again?" I decided to perform an autopsy on the fridge being as though the stench was most rancid there. I'd make a good detective, eh?

Perhaps this is a conspiracy theory to get me to clean more. Let me digress again. I now realize how much money I waste on food not used. Good-bye mangoes. Asta la vista spinach. How long does grapefruit keep anyways?

Then I spot it. My nemesis is way in the back of the fridge, sitting straight up. I don't know how I could have missed it. Ironic yes, coming from the same woman who doesn't notice that her female cat is lugging around testicles as big as a baseball. Stop mocking me.

Some child, apparently not one of mine as you all know, thought they'd try some. My only consolation is that they saw apple cider and took a big gulp. I know I have a wretched sense of humor. Your point?

The child, again, not one of mine, didn't put the cap on all the way so when the fridge froze it exploded and leaked everywhere.

Ick. I can't handle the smell of vinegar at all anymore. It's just nasty. Why does my life have to be so crazy sometimes? If it's not transgender cats, it's funky odors. And I have learned that it is quite possible for there to be things that smell has hideously disgusting as cat pee.

I so feel like an amateur today. I can't seem to get my kid out of my bed or keep any clothes on him, I am apparently unable to tell the difference between a male and a female cat, and my house smells like a cesspool.

I am going to go lie down. I'm almost scared to go up to my room though as I never know what I might find. Seriously.