July 11, 2005

Silent but deadly

I just read a post about potty training, on a blog called The Grass isn't Greener**. Of course true to Lissa style I closed the window before saving the link. Figures. No worries, it's a small blog world, it will come around again. (**update, included link, thanks Barbara)

Unfortunately I had little hope to offer. At 15, 12, 11, and 5 mine are technically all potty trained. Technically. But I'm still cleaning up after their poop. Just this morning I had to wipe the toilet seat down as it looked like somebody actually used a spray bottle on it.

J had
encopresis between the ages of 3-9 years. I'd find these little clumps of crap all over the carpet. Kids with encopresis usually have chronic constipation, and eventually after avoiding the bathroom for so long, just poop their pants. Yep. That was fun. I remember once when he was about 4 and eating raisin bran at the breakfast nook, he proceeded to grasp the tile topped table, bear down, then with grunting sounds and all just loaded his pants. In front of his grandfather. While he was eating. It must have been the cereal. Darn that fiber.

Then there were these little surprises left all over the house. How it got from the kids bottom, to the under pants, to my floor I still haven't figured out. But we'd find these little clumps all the time. Maybe he sharted. Or maybe as my husband puts it, ' prairie dogged' it too long. Did I just say that outloud? Yeah, I did. He still remembers the time he was having too much fun playing play- doh at the neighbors house. It's always fun and games til someone poops a hole in their pants.

I had nightmares when Lil' J was a baby. Just when he'd master the pincher grasp his first feeding off the carpet would be his brothers poop! Then I began getting crazed and paranoid.

Me: Oh my good-nits, is that a poop clump!? Run, somebody get the toilet paper!

Kids: Mmm-ooo-mmm- it's just a raisin. Sheesh.

After too many sniff tests gone wrong, everything was a poop clump until proven otherwise.

Until the day Snoo tried to eat a chocolate chip off the floor. Yes, my daughter was about 9 before she outgrew eating off the ground. (She ate her brothers tooth once, cause it looked like candy? How she could have eaten a TOOTH, I'll never know) But that's a whole other post.

A chocolate chip can be very tempting to a child that doesn't mind eating off the ground. Especially if that child is allergic to dairy so therefore it's a forbidden fruit food. She was warned though.

Mooch: Ew, Snoo, don't eat off the ground. Disgusting!! Don't eat that! It's probably J's poop!

Snoo: Not uh. No. Shut up, your just saying that.

Mooch: MmmOoomm, Snoo's trying to eat off the floor again.

Snoo: Not uh. She's lying. She's just trying to get me into trouble.

Me: (from the other room) Snoo, how many times have I told you to stop that. It's disgusting! You're like what, 20 years old now, and still trying to eat off the ground. It's not like I don't feed you...

Snoo: EWWWWWWWWWW!!! Gross!! Disgusting. (Crying) It smells like poop. This chocolate chip smells like poop (throws it across the room) ...I almost ate..

Mooch: (hysterical laughter) I told you it was poop. Snoo almost ate poop.

Me: Would you two be quiet. Stop saying mean things to each other!

Show me, where is it? (screaming J's name) Oh dear Lord, it is poop. ANOTHER poop clump! Why me!? And you were going to eat it? What's wrong with you, can't you tell the difference between a chocolate chip and poop? J, that's it, I love you, but you're going on mineral oil. I've picked up my last piece of sh** off the floor!

J: It's not meeeeee...

Mooch: (still laughing hysterically) I told you it wasn't a chocolate chip..

Then Snoo technically isn't potty trained fully since she's got this "night time problem". The doctors call it
enuresis. I call it wet, stinky sheets, and lots more laundry. I know it's no fun for her so we never make he feel bad about it. I just do the laundry and dream of the day I don't have to do it anymore. Wait, then there will be grandkids. After they get potty trained and just when I think I'm finally done with others pee and poop, suddenly I'll be pissing my own pants when I sneeze and sending R for depends. Oh joy.

And can this girl ever out pee a good-nite. It's like Niagara falls or something. I don't care what anyone says about pee being sterile. It stinks and it's nasty, and nobody wants a room smelling like a barn yard.

We've tried everything. Medication. Alarms. Minimizing fluids. Waking her every 2 1/2 hours. So even though our baby slept through the night, we're still getting up every 2 hours to get the 10 year old girl to the bathroom. Only to find sometime during the last 2 hr bathroom trip, she managed to pee all over herself and never woke up. Once this kid actually gets to sleep, she's out. One time it was my shift to wake her up. When I led her into the bathroom, I went into my room for a second, only to return finding her squatting near her closet door.

Me: Noooooooooooooo!! What are you doing!!! Get up, your peeing on the floor!

Snoo: Huh? What? I like the red one better...

Me: Yeah, that's nice. Me too. I'll take mine in the convertible, now over the toilet please.

I think the funniest time though was when she was about 8 or 9 and actually made it to the bathroom by herself, only to sit down with her undies still on.

Then there's Lil' J, he's a lot like big J. He doesn't like to go. He doesn't like to stop what he's doing. So he waits, and waits, and holds it until he's running to the bathroom for dear life. Just last week Mooch asked me if I knew that there's was poop all over the bathroom wall.

Then I hear screams from Snoo.

It was mayhem. You would have thought somebody had found a dead body. All these voices squealing, yelling, and laughing all at once. All I can catch are words like poop, seat, wall, floor, toilet clog, stinks.

I'm a veteran arse wiper. I've cleaned my fair share of accidents up. But never, ever, have I ever seen a mess like that. (and I was even called to come pick him up from K4 once cause he had an accident so bad, he couldn't even walk out of the stall without needing help)

That was pure talent.

I suppose in his desperation to make haste he thought nobody would notice it was his soiled under pants and shorts stuffed into the upside down trash can. Nevermind that he's the only one wearing Batman underwear.

Poor little man. He could hear the screams, the fear, and the laughter from his hiding spot upstairs.

Me: Honey, where are you? I can see you had a ginormous-I-need-an-industrial-mop-to-clean-it-up little accident. Come out, let me help you get cleaned up.

We told him it was no big deal, and tossed him into the shower like we've done with all the others.

Then the kids came to apologize for laughing..

J: It's OK, bud. I used to poop my pants all the time.

Mooch: (snicker) you still do


Snoo: Yeah and I had diarrhea all over the school bus seats in preschool

Everyone turns to look at Snoo

Oh, and literally as I write this Snoo perfumed the air with what R calls "O dae butt".

R: OK, who crapped their pants in my living room?

You know the kind, silent but deadly. It took years for me to get through to her, that silent didn't mean odorless.

Snoo : (in church) What, you couldn't hear me....

Lucky for me, the fan is pointed right at me.

Me: Snoo! How could you....

Snoo: It's not me, it smells like the cat....OK, it is me, but I did it over there.

This too shall pass. (I hope)