May 18, 2005

Special Me

Well, tomorrow is the new Star Wars movie. Between Thhe Husband and The Kids, I've only had to hear about it, oh I don't know, about 300 times in the last 365 days. The Husband is taking the day off and Lil' J and Mooch get to stay home from school. J has to go to school for a few hours and then he 'll come home early, bringing two classmates with him, both of whom have written permission to leave the school and see the movie with sci-fi obsessed family.

J's best friend will stand in line as early as 9am. The Husband has some sort of master plan in the happening where J and the other boy will be in the school office at exactly 10am and if the other boy isn't there, he has to call by cellphone to inform The Husband why. The brigrade shant be waiting too long for him.

I get to stay home to attend Snoo's recorder concert and assist her 5th grade class in bread and butter making for colonial days. What do I know about making bread and butter? Other than pouring a few ingredients into a bread machine and unwrapping a stick of Land O' Lakes.

Who decided that the recorder should be considered a real musical instrument anyways? The person obvioulsy doesn't have kids. Especially tone deaf kids. This is the second year they've had to 'study' the recorder. I abhor the sound. It's hideous. I try to be supportive, but I'm ashamed to admit I make her practice in the basement laundry room. Just one more way I am insuring I scar my children for life. I can hear the therapy sessions now.

"....And on top of all that, my mom made me practice my recorder in the dungeon laundry room where it was cold, dark, and damp."

I'll just try to convince her that the laundry room had the best acoustics.

To 'prepare' for the magical day, The Husband is on a Star Wars binge. He's currently watching #1. The kids get to stay up with him. I'm outnumbered and very bored.

I'm so bored, in fact, that after going through my emails and folders I actually started reading through my junkmail. According to my junk folder, I must be special very special. I have not changed anything to the sender or subject text.

Sender- Subject

VLA- You're going to love this one. It's an oppurtunity of a lifetime. Risk free
He's going to give me the opportunity of a lifetime! With no risks? Who said if it's too good to be true, it must be. Mama was wrong?

U of Pheonix Online- Better your future with an online degree
Thank you, thank you. It's so flattering to have colleges chasing after me. Uhm, about twelves years too late, but apparently your recruiting departments consists of procrastinaters bigger then myself.

Tracy_Alsten- None
You have nothing to say, yet you still manage to flood the masses. That's impressive.

DeJesus Lending- Finance 1551
God is handing out loans? I can't imagine the interest rate.

Smith Barney- Urgent Notification from Billing Department
I am sorry, I am not home right now and will never pay this bill, er I mean please leave a message at the sound of the beep. Thank you and have a nice day.

Rean Sumaya- Home Based Business Opportunity
I told you, my fanny is too big for your sleazy webcam operation. Are you running out of ditzy college students or something?

f lindsay ltd- Nightlife
What is a nightlife? Was that when I got to go to a dinner and a movie just after dusk?

Wrinkle Serum- Turn Back the Hands of Time- Complimentary Trial
Sure, sure, that's what all the street pushers say. Here, have some free goodies. Then you'll have us all all begging for more. Just a little bit more! My forehead almost looks like Wayne Newton's and now you turn me away? You can't send me away now! Will you take Mcdonald's happymeal toys for payment? Lollipops? General Mills boxtops? A Gymboree wardrobe in size 3T? The cat?

atillman(eatraw)- Raw Health is Wealth
A raw-foodie once told me eating animals was mean and murder. Plants are living things. If I take a bite of something while it's still on the plant, does that mean I'm eating it alive? Let me finish these chips first, then we can philosophize.

Shen Sophie- Re(3): Question with his tablets
Tablets? You better lay off the stuff, I hear it causes paranoia. Hey, did he tell you I gave it to him? Where did you get my email address? Do you know where I live? Do I know you? Hold on, I think I hear somebody at the door.

Widen G Flaw- Good day
What were your parents thinking? Some people just shouldn't be allowed to name children.

8.9 Megapixel Camera- Get a Free Sony Cyber Shot Digital Camera!
I'm not falling for it this time.

Retailer Survey- Participate in our Retail Review Program
Here's my review: Wal Mart sucks. Your isles are always crowded. Nobody wants bags of stale cotton candy, and please switch to cellulite friendly lighting in the changing rooms.

Water Wonder- See the Waterfalls Alive.- Living Waterfalls Screensaver
I didn't know there were any dead waterfalls. I guess I should respond to more of the college emails after all and git' me some more schoolin'.

m Mims ltd.- Dr. Love
Sure, I bet that's what you say to all the girls....Mail order doctorates don't qualify.

Super Bowl Question- Who will win the super bowl?
The Packers. Ha!

Nunzio Parson- Exclussive Phharmacy
After you learn to use spell check, you should look up Widen G Flaw. I bet you two could share some childhood horror stories.

Online Thoughts- Give us your online thoughts and be heard by decision makers
I am the decision maker around these parts. heyyyyyyy, its me again
Listen, I know your not really the fonz. I thought we settled this?

Jeannie Danial- You have been approved!!
Is this a trick? Someone with a last name that sounds like denial, is telling me I'm approved? Whatever.

Devry University- Time to get serious about your career. Obtain a degree.
I didn't know I had to have a degree to be serious about staying at home to raise adorable children that scream, talk back at me, and act equally ungrateful. Much to my protest, the hospital let me take them home without any certificate... I've done gots by good enough so far, I reckon.

RealestateupRateUpdate- Benefit from reworking your real-estate lown
You have a way with words. An alternative ways of spelling.

Prom- You are made active
I vacuum three times a day. That's active enough.

LivingWallpaper- Melissa, experiene the waterfalls come alive- Living waterfalls wallpaper
Dude, stop smoking crack. The waterfalls are alive, with the sound of music....

Jennifer Carter- Your plastic surgery appointment
I've run out of money. Can I get a procedure done based on my good looks?

Tyrone Mcintosh- Crisis Octagon
What do you want me to do about it? I'm still mastering algebra.

Singh Ajit- Re(1): Discussion about our meds
Oh dear, now I understand. You've been trying to reach LivingWallpaper.

Cheri Smiley- bloodbath hernandez
I prefer to shower with water, but thank you. Hey Sweetheart
Shhh, somebody might think get the wrong idea.

Plasma Tv Giveaway- Complimentary Plasma Screen tv is waiting for you
Now you tell me, after the Super Bowl

atillman(eatraw) Raw Diet Supplies and Living Food
Living food? Living wallpaper? I guess it must be in the water....

The Real Deal- A Gelavia coffee experience
Did you know coffee can give you poop breath?