I'm not pregnant

And nor did I think I was. Aunt Flow stopped by. Like you care, but hey, you're reading anyways right?

I guess maybe it's good timing because I've just started wondering about trying NFP. I remember reading about it years ago, and thinking it sounded worth looking into.

I know I don't ever want to be on hormonal BC. But I also know, that the method we use now, is less then desirable.

So I have a confession. If you asked me a few weeks ago, when I'd get my period I probably would have squinted, looked upward, as I pretended in vain that I have even one clue about my cycle, and muttered, "Hmm, dunno."

Yes, I'm 31 years old, and don't even bother to track my cycle, ovulation, or anything of the such. Each month I say I'm going to write it down on the calender, and like getting my husband to put his dirty clothes into the hamper, it never happens. It did today though, because I logged it into computer. I'm both reproductive and productive today. It's about time for the latter.

Now what? I guess I start reading through all the NFP information.

There's Couple to Couple League- which I think is Catholic- something I'm certainly not. I say, yeah to priests and nuns being able to procreate themselves. It might make marital counseling a bit more authentic. But I digress. I also don't subscribe to many of the BC issues that church has.

What about Billings Ovulation Method? The only thing I know about ovulation is that's when the egg drops and I get a bit randier then usual.

Then I found Family Planning from Family of the Americas- It sounds a tad cultish

If that's not confusing enough, I found a heap load of info at Natural Family Site - As I skimmed through that site I got a wee bit concerned about my identity. I noticed that I not only believe strongly in breastfeeding, co-sleeping, and attachment parenting, but my tendency towards vegetarianism, and organic foods means I might be evolving into a green-peace, granola eating, birkenstock wearing nut. I'm still insisting I shave my armpits though. That's not negotiable. Nor is my excessive usage of paper towels.

I have avoided the pill because of the side effects and possible complications. The idea of getting fat, uninterested in sexblood clots kinda scares me away. I just don't think it's worth it. I had a friend that was on the pill for years, and it caused her depression along with difficulty getting pregnant later on. Not to mention that it damaged her liver. Knowing me, I'd be the one that would get the rarest complication from BC usage.

So, basically we have used condoms and the rhythm method. So far, I haven't gotten pregnant. Out of my four pregnancies all of them were conceived naturally without any barriers. My family jokes people should use my soap while trying to get pregnant. The longest it has ever taken me to get pregnant is about 3 months, and that was from the time I first started having sex in May of 1989 to September. Keep in mind at 16 it wasn't that often. But more then I should have been doing at that age even.

On the other foot, the idea of NFP scares me to no end as well. There were times I'd avoid sex for fear of getting pregnant. After having 3 kids in 4 years all by the time I was 20, I was a bit burnt out. Not to mention that baby #2 had special needs and I had been separated from husband for 7 months of her first year. Then I had late onset PPD after baby #2t hat lasted for quite a bit. After I weaned baby #3 from 2 years of nursing, I had another recurrence of PPD.

I admit, I've been a bit scared of getting pregnant in the past, even to the point of having nightmares about it. Richard was asking for baby #4 for a few years before I finally let go of control and really prayed about it. Yes, I'm a perfectionist with some controlling tendencies.

This leads me to my next thought that I don't readily share with my friends and family. I acknowledge that I have a smidgen of doubt about my thinking. That my trying to have complete control over how many kids I have might be wrong. Or at least selfish. I'm not sure that it's feeling "convicted" as some might say. I wonder more if I'm being selfish by telling my husband that I'm not willing to have more.

I was watching a show on Discovery Channel about the Duggars. Oh my is all I could say at first. I do respect and admire the family for many reasons yet I just can't say I'd want to embrace the mindset.

We have many "Quiverfull" families at our church and they are great. I'm amazed at how they do it. I just don't see how I could. I know it may seem like an excuse but J & Snoo have special needs. J has ADHD with depression. Snoo has ADHD and Tourette Syndrome and some signs of bi-polar. Mooch has some mild depression. I sometimes feel each of them is like two kids. Is it wrong to feel like you don't want more kids if they might have these disorders?

With my perfectionism, you can only imagine the conflict. My good friend Heidi totally knows what I mean. Every parent dislikes clutter, mess, or when kids don't pick up after themselves. But she and I go literally insane when things are out of place and out of order. There's a right way to do things, and why again aren't you doing it? We laugh that we are driving ourselves nuts as well as others. What's wrong with wanting a house to look like a magazine spread? I mean, other then it's unrealistic.

It's not that I don't want our home to feel comfy, cozy and lived in. I just don't want things all over the floor, piled on tables and stuffed in every corner. Oh, and when it comes to housekeeping, if possible I'd also like to have less offensive odors. I have two very messy kids with inconsiderate tendencies.

Just this morning I was wondering what the horrendous smell was in the girls room. Snoo, 12, had wet the bed a few times and put her good-nites in MY bedroom trash! She was honestly and completely clueless as to how that was inconsiderate and why I was so annoyed. I have to give her credit for actually putting it in the trash though. Usually, they are piled all over the floor.

What would I do if I had 5 kids like that?

Some of you may be wondering why I'm babbling about this. Why does it matter? If I don't want more then four, just avoid pregnancy. Well I have been doing that. However, this is where the smidgen of doubt turns into a tad bit of guilt. See my husband wants six kids. He's been saying that for years, but I just dismiss him as being a little loco or dyslexic.

You mean four, right?

Or just really in touch with his feminine side. So I got him two more cats. 4 kids+2 cats=6. We have one more cat for good measure. I have learned that although he's a cat person, I can't get him to replace his "idea" of two more kids, for two more cats. Shucks.

I keep thinking as the years go by, and the parenting issues come up with these four, he'll begin to see he really meant 4. There are some times that I think he has. He even started mentioning the V word, when I talked about the advantages. Then it turned into, how about I freeze and store some of my sperm before the V, "just in cause".

Huh? Pay to freeze sperm? Does it really matter to him that much? Am I a selfish woman? Shouldn't I be thrilled since so many woman usually want more and their husbands don't?

He even has the names picked out. Let's just say another son would be named after a number.

A NUMBER.

Yeah, nice. I really think this man is serious, and I wonder if I try to hoard control over this issue he'll later resent me or always think about the other kids he wanted and didn't get. I can just see it now. Fast foward 10 years. We're at the park and Richard says to me, doesn't that child look like the other daughter we could have had?

Does it become wrong when one person in the marriage, denies the other when it comes to the amount of kids they want? There is always a middle ground right? A compromise? I thought I did that with four kids. For awhile, it seemed to be fine.

I'm still young enough I should be able to have more. I wouldn't want to try after 35 though. When the oldest 3 are going into college and finishing high school, LiL' J will be like 12. The idea of being able to travel and do things when I'm still under 45 is extremely appealing. I guess at this point, to be honest, more appealing then trying to squeeze in two kids in the next 3 years.

Much more appealing.