January 28, 2005

Dinner At My House

***Disclaimer*** ~I have nothing against mullets. Please don't hold anything against me or my family. Thank you.

It's impossible. It's not that you have to keep telling the kids to eat. It's because we are always laughing so dang hard food is flying. I don't know what it is, maybe its because it's a long day or a long week. Maybe its because all of our kids are comedians and see humor in everything. Maybe its because it's pretty dern funny that a girl with a mullet has a crush on our 14 y/o and S has two boys named Pharoah and Asia in her class. Don't get us started on the Valentimes Day hoopla. No, that is not a typo. I have decided to start video blogging. No one believes me when I say this family is nutso. That if there was a camera in my diningroom we could contend with America's Funniest Families.

Somtimes, it's rather sick. Like the time my husband asked if I had cheese on my taco. *snicker* Yes, I know. He maintains he meant nothing by it.

"Ewwww, dad you are gross!"

Each kid had their say, hysterics went on for minutes as I just sat and embarrassingly looked at the table.

I scolded the kids, "stop laughing, you're going to choke..when I was 11 I was laughing at dinner one night til I started choking on a hard shell. It's all fun and games til someone is choking....."

Then I have flashbacks. There were three adults in the room. My mom, my aunt C, and my aunt M.

My aunt C, "Omg, Omg, she's choking, " as she shoves mountain dew into my mouth, it pours down my shirt.

My mom, "stop it, get out of the way!!" Bang, bang, bang, she beats me on the back. I'm literally thinking, "I'm going to be beaten to death before I choke to death."

"Move it, stop D, you're hurting her. I know what to do!!" (she was a preschool teacher) She gives me some sort of epeleptic-in-a-seizure kind of Heimlich Maneuver.

After I got my stomach to go right side out again, enough to where I could breathe, I sigh in relief. Phew, I'm alive.

So I'm staring off into my own world, I guess the memory was so comical to me, now at least, that Richard says, "what, I didn't mean anything by...."

Another example, our oldest says, "look my sweater is dancing." (as he manipulates a one liter bottle in his lap) Both my husband and my oldest daughter go into hysterics as my son yells, "what?" Looking at me he says, "they are perverts."

Then, I can't help but notice that my veggies from Applebees smell like toilet water. I kid you not! And if there is anything this SAHM knows, sadly, it's the smell of toilet water. So, picture me shoving a piece of brocolli in front of J's face.

"Tell me, does this smell like toilet water!!?"

"Eww, sick mom, no but it smells gross."

I'm on to my husband, who incidentally hates it when I say "This doesn't taste right, it's nasty, take a sip and tell me if it's just me." Yes, I do that all the time.

So I know Richard isn't gonna sniff for me. I fling at carrot at J this time.

"Come on, you're telling me that doesn't smell like toilet water?"

"Agh, stop mom." He flings it towards Richard.

Richard promptly flings it at Mooch who then flings it at S who says, "give it to me! I'll eat it!" Chomp.

"Ew, it doesn't takes like a toilet but I think it's like two days old." I'm rolling my eyes.

By this time, everyone is laughing their a**es off. Not only am I complaining my veggies smell like toilet water, but the carrot has been passed around into everyone's hand, thrown around on the table, and then she still eats it! As everyone is laughing, lil' J (4) is leaning over his chair making puking sounds.

"That's it! You gross, talk to the hand".

Oh, and I never drink anymore during dinner because someone is liable to say just the right thing, at just at the right moment, resulting in my beverage spraying out of my mouth. It's not intentional of course, and most likely this just brings on more hysterics from my crazy dinner partners. Literally last time, it went up my nose, and I had bad memories of being dunked in a pool, to where the water is forced up your nose and burns. Yeah, you remember it.

J goes on to tell us that at lunch he looks back to see who was in line behind him and it's the girl with the mullet. (Richard bursts into laughter again, we know all about the mullet girl) J still can never say it without a look of confusion and pain brought on by suppressed laughter. She and another girl are whispering about him.

His friend R says, "hey dude, mullet girl has a thing for you."

"Nooooooooooo, she likes YOU!!"

I then can't help but saying to Richard that we should get a mullet wig for J to wear to school. Then he can ask her to the "Valentimes Dance." ;o)~

Then there are conversations about the boy at school that has boobs, and how J accidentally bumped into him in the hall. He tried so hard to be nice and say nothing without laughing. We have taught him to be nice and considerate of others.

He succeeds only to hear another guy say, "Sorry we hit your boobs, dude. Wait, you have boobs!??" Poor kid.

Richard can't stop laughing when S (12) tries to tell us about the Valentimes dance at school. J cuts in to tell Richard that S was talking about her faverit ordamit the other day.

J's friend JP kept asking, "What are you talking about? It's Favorite. Say it with us, F-A-V-O-R-I-T-E."

I tell them all to stop laughing and let her finish her story.

"Go on S, tell us about the Valentimes thing at school."

(Insert hysterical laughter again) What? I couldn't help it.

Richard by this time has veins popping out where they shouldn't be, he's actually getting a headache, I can't even remember all of what we laughed about. It's all so dumb. Apparently at dinner time, we act like dumba**es.

Lil J looks over and laughs at his Dad, points, and says, "you laugh like a girl."

(Insert more hysterical laughter here) Dad's been dissed by a 4 y/o. As we try to compose ourselves, someone else giggles and starts up with a story from school. Ok, so S tries to finish her story about how she's running away from Pharoah on the playground.

Richard interrupts, "what!? Pharoah?"

He's got a puzzled look of confusion on his face, like is this another blooper of hers.

I reply, (sigh, can't this poor girl say anything at dinner) "yes, you heard right, Pharoah, she has a Pharoah in her class."

Insert beyond hysterical, again. "PHAROAH!!!?"

Keep in mind there are very small periods of silent chewing before someone bursts out again about something they can't stop thinking about. Like the fact that S is eating her "Violet Fish". Yes, as you can tell S well known for oral 'typos', and flips of the tongue.

"You mean fish FILET!?" Rolling eyes, insert more laughter.

It's quiet. Not for long though. "Who would name their kid Pharoah anyways. Why would you do that?"

Insert crazy laughter. (By this time, I'm thinking, did McDonalds slip some sort of silly gas into the fries? Hmm, so that is how they keep people coming back).

"I don't know, who would let their daughter go to school with a mullet!!?" (hysterics)

It's quiet for a second. Richard's trying to eat, I recognize that look of thinking on his face.

Then with a huge smirk on his face, "C has a mullet." (laughter) C is a neighbor boy of about 9 yrs old.

Mooch says, "Oh my gosh, that's right, and his real dad has one too". (Hysterics)

Then Josh goes on a rant about the underground mullet society on the internet.

S tries to continue on with her Valentines story, but the poor girl keeps saying "Valentimes". She just can't say it right. She's got to wait though because for some reason we are all cracking up again, it just comes out so dern funny. J throws a french fry at her.

S says, "oh a fry, thank you." *chomp*

So then she tells us how Pharoah is chasing her and she's running away, she turns (she motions right) to look for him , and when she faces foward there he is, on the left, running right next to her.

"How embarassing, I think I'm leaving him in the dust." Yes, insert laughter again. I guess the image of her running along looking to the right, only to find he's running right along side her is hysterical. Then she starts talking about the boy in class named, Asia. Insert more laughter.

"Asia??!! What are with these names.."

Then there's mud. J was in class with a boy that was always in trouble so the teacher, ever so originally, said, "your name name is mud." Comes the day they are fed up with, JD, as we'll call him, "go write your name on the board!"

So he walks up and writes, Mud. *snicker* You gotta love middle school boys. Uhm, or not. So then when the teacher leaves class to go fill out a slip about what a smart alec he is, all the kids take turns putting checks next to naughty boy, Mud.

S goes on about the gross things boys say or do. So its gets around to asking me, "remember, mom, what you were talking about that one time. About how you, Mooch, and other women have texture, and it's a good thing?"

I'm confused, "say,what?? Texture?"

Richard's face is red, he's chewing, squinting at her. J is sitting there with his mouth hanging open, with a what the... kind of look.

"Yeah, you know, (she motions circles with her hands over her body) like your hips, butt, elbows... 'ELBOWS!!???' " Insert Roarting hysterics.

Richard can't stop laughing again, his head is on the table.

"You mean CURVES!?" It's mayhem at the table by now.

I say to Richard, "honey, do you like my nice shapely texture?"

J is cracking up with the girly voice he has as it's changing and I ask him, "are you distracted by the seductive texture of the girl's elbows in glass?" Insert stadium sized laughter.

Oh my goodnits, it doesn't stop there, for an hour it goes on. My side hurts. It's one thing after another, until someone is falling off their chair, (mooch) choking on their drink, (me) or suffering from a laughter induced headache. (Richard) You get the picture.

I leave the table, I can't take it anymore. I can't eat, because I'll end up choking to death. J is not trying to be funny, they all just talk about their daily life at school, and I guess you have to be here, because it just comes out so freakin funny some nights. J goes on to talk about the relentless wedgies the junior high boys get and give. J has made it his mission, (he's at a new school since November) to 'bring wedgies back'. So, some of these poor boys are getting their boxers torn. According to some boys, that's not enough, so they are sticking plastic soda bottles between their cheeks. Ewwww. Lil J once again leans over his chair making puking sounds. I guess Richard is remembering his own school days, as he's literally on the floor now, purple faced. Apparently that is normal behavior for 14 y.o boys. After J is done demonstrating he drops the plastic bottle.

He picks it up, "Eww, sick! Why is it wet!? And it has HAIRS on it, gross!"

Richard just totally loses it, "M, it's wet and it has a hair." More laughter. Apparently I looked at him in such a way, that is even more funny, because all of them are now cracking up. I imagine, my thoughts of, this family is totally insane, show on my face. Oh well, sanity is over rated anyways. Right?

Oh, and this is true. that as I right this, the girls are playing Kelly Clarkson's, A Moment Like This. I hear singin, "so tell me, you don't think my hair is crazy......a mullet like this.....some people wait a lifetime, for a mullet like this."

"Something so tender, I can't explain." (S motions cutting a nice steak)

Yes, that is my family. I still love them though.