January 28, 2005

Last Nights Dream

Last night I dreamt I was in my grandma Bonnie's house. My mom was there too and we had a nice visit. We were laughing and smiling. I was much more comfortable around her then I ever was before when she was alive. Then we realized she was sick and there was tears, lots of tears. There was more, but I can't remember it all.

So then she dies, and I go with my mom to meet my grandpa, and a few of my aunts at a resturant. There is bread on the table, and some sort of tomato dip. I can't eat. I can't drink. They are all talking and I am paralyzed. I can't stop crying from the very depths of my soul, but nobody notices. My aunt C comes by to the resturant, she comes up and hugs me and hands me two things. I can't make them out at first, it looks like one is an embroidered bag.

Just a note*** C was always my favorite aunt, and I was very close to her growing up. When she moved to MN she lived with my grandparents for awhile. She went to church with them, she was always doing things with grandma. Well, since she announced last year when grandma first became sick that she was a lesbian, and living with a partner, everyone was naturally shocked. She has never ever shown any such signs but she got tired of being lonely she says. She hasn't called me in years, and when I saw her two Novemembers ago, she hugged me, but didn't really talk to me or give me her number. Before grandma died, she was looking at some pictures. This was around when she was starting to have moments of confusion. She mistakenly thought a picture of my grandpa, my uncle M & my aunt C were *after* her telling them about this. She read his expression and it pained her. She thought he looked disgusted or indifferent. Grandpa was just squinting & not smiling in reality though. She cried out that grandpa had to forgive love her unconditionally, and pray for her. That God will handle the rest. It pained her that C should feel any rejection from her dad.***

While sitting there, I am noticing that everyone is doing pretty well, and so I can't realize why I am wanting to fall apart. I am looking at the bag & realizing it's not a bag but a pillow case of some kind. It's a type of blue & white gingham, with butterlies, bees, flowers and other things sewed on, like 3D, so they are more then just a picture, they can be touched. There is something stitched very tiny on it (my grandma was a master at cross stitching), but I can't make out what it says. I flip it over and see it has huge letters with some sort of message, now I can't remember what it said. I realize I am thirsty and everyone else has something to drink but me. Finally, as I am getting up, I look down and realize the other thing C must have given me, turned into a fizzy juice drink in a clear plastic bottle. It doesn't have a lid on it. It's an orange color but not orange flavored. More happens but I can't remember.

I go home, my house is different. I am really crying now, and I realize a friend is having a baby shower that day. I call some info line about it, and it's not until 7p that night. There's a soothing radio voice giving me detailed instructions about what to expect from the shower, where it's at, what prices the gifts are, where they be bought, and I'm picturing in my head all the women, happy & joyful, and wondering if I should go. Again, there's more but I can't remember just now.

Nothing interesting, just my subconscious mind. I so wish I had chai right now, I'm all out. *sigh*