February 17, 2005

Memorial: What to do?

I feel so selfish and petty at the moment. This saturday is the memorial for my grandma Bonnie. Since my 3 aunts are flying in from California to attend, we will need to get a hotel. I called around and even with bereavement it's like $80 to $90 a night. Since our car needs repairs (we still haven't taken it in) that will add on $60 a day for a rental, plus the gas and food.

Mooch will be missing her last France meeting, and both the girls would miss there AWANA olympics practice. R is able to get bereavement time off so that is not an issue. I feel so selfish making an issue of it, but honestly it's money we just don't have right now. I want to go, but then I don't. It's not like I'm saying good bye, she's been gone for almost a month. My kids never got to know her, and I know that my husband would rather not go. He'd go for my support. I could go by myself, and still have to pay for the rental, (leaving R home without transportation for the weekend with the kids) gas, and food. I could then sleep on my aunt's couch. Driving an unfamiliar car all by myself for 6 hours, and sleeping on the couch for two days sounds very unappealing to me. Again, that makes me feel selfish.

When it comes down to it, the memorial is only for a couple of hours on Saturday morning. Part of me feels like it makes no sense to spend around $500 or more essentially for a very brief memorial, and a church meal afterwards. Part of me feels that sounds so petty and selfish. I wonder though, would she want me to go, knowing what an extra finianical burden it is for us?

I know that Mooch doesn't want to go (she had to see her 11 y.o friend buried in September), J doesn't want to go, and Richard would rather stay home if given the choice. So, I guess again, I'm selfish because I'd rather drag all of my family, pay extra money we don't have, so that I won't be 'alone'.

I also feel I 'should' go, because my family wants me to be there, and it seems the right thing to do. I have to admit, I am extremely close to my grandma Millie, and I don't think I would even be considering any of this right now if it were her. What a terrible thing to admit. However, it's not like this is her funeral. She was cremated, and so we are gathering to remember her and celebrate her life with her church family and ourselves. I feel though, that I think about her almost everyday, and thank God for her spiritual legacy, that I don't need a ceremony to do that.

I think if the car wasn't out of service, and I wasn't already feeling overwelmed this wouldn't be such an issue. I just feel like I can't make a decision and I'm making a bigger issue out of it then I should be. The truth is, we just don't have the money for that kind of expense. I can come up with it, but then I'm taking it from our house fund. Then I wonder, so am I saying my grandma isn't worth the money and time? I don't feel that way, and I guess that isn't fair either, but it sounds like I'm saying that when I put it into words.

I guess I have 3 choices
  1. Stay home. Then feel guilty about it and wonder if I should have gone, and what others are thinking of me.
  2. Go, and bring all of us, so I won't miss them and be alone, spending money we don't really have. Also, having the girls miss activities they'd rather not miss.
  3. Suck it up, and go by myself. Then probably cry in the service because my grandma, mom, and aunts & uncles lose it, not having my hubby there to support me. Drive the rental by myself, sleep on a couch, and then come home. (leaving R to stay home from work to see the kids off to school etc)

What to do, what to do. Why do I have such trouble making these choices?

I was thinking that I could see if S could come with me. She'd probably love the time alone with me, and it would give her a chance to meet my family. She's only met them once when she was 5, and she doesn't remember. I brought the two youngest out in August, and was suppose to bring her out later on, and I never got to. I feel bad about that, and I know she felt bad as well.