She's Not Here, Leave a Message

Who are these children and why are they calling me mom? I'll be that woman to admit we don't always feel motherly and nurturing. At least I don't. I'm human. I have days where being the CEO of a home full of small human beings who sometimes act like they are out totally out to get me can be a big task.

Am the most lovey patient mom today?

Today, not so much.

I love these kid will all my heart and soul. I just don't like them very much.

Today, I want to pretend they're not mine.

Thank God I'm not an animal because some mammal mothers have been known to eat their young.

Today is one of those days.

I was seriously asking myself why I haven't gotten my tubes tied yet?

Today I could call the doctor to take care of that.

What part of no don't they understand?

Why must they pile everything up on shelves in their closets and call that "cleaning their rooms". Something fell on my nose and it hurt like hell. I think it's broke. I have a bump. I'm not vain but who wants a bump on their nose?

Do kids mistake being low on groceries as a sign that they will not get to eat again for seven days so they have to stuff every bit of food in the house into their mouthes, armpits, shoes, wagons and any other spot they can find? Do they think it's a competition to see who can eat and drink the most and clean the fridge out?

Then ask me: MmmOmmm, what's there to eat?

When I hear my name title I have started responding, "There is nobody here by that name."

It only works for awhile. Then they start hollaring, IS MELISSA HERE THEN?

Dang, I knew I never should have taught them my first name.

Is it wrong that I have thoughts of lining my kids outside to throw water balloons at them?

Wait, they might like that.

Do I have to wait until I'm dead to ever have anything to myself? To have my belongings left alone?

I know I shouldn't complain. I'm blessed to have four hyperactive and nutty healthy children. They are sweet, intelligent, creative, and fun children. However, they often do act like little spawns and they are incredibly challenging. They still love me in spite of myself though.. but do they ever test my limits. Do they ever display my faults as a person. As a mom. Perfectionists aren't good at admitting this.

And did God give me Snoo to test my patience? I know there's something other then rocks in her head. No, really, how many times must I say the same thing? Sometimes I think she's 3 years old.

And what in the world would possess an almost 13 year old child to EAT sunflowers seeds out of the dirt that sweaty shirtless men spit out of their mouthes?

When I ask her, WHY?

OH MY GOD.

WHY?

DID YOU ACTUALLY EAT THOSE SUNFLOWERS SEEDS IN OUR FRONT YARD? FOR ALL OUR NEIGHBORS TO SEE? THEY ARE GOING TO THINK WE STARVE YOU TO DEATH. WHY ELSE WOULD ANYONE EAT SEEDS THAT WERE SPIT OUT OF A STRANGERS MOUTH?

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS PURE AND GOOD PLEASE TELL ME, WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

Child: Well, I thought about that so I didn't eat the tops.

HUH? WHAT? Am I miss something?

PLEASE GOD SEND THE CALGON MAN. Heck, I'll even take the Fed Ex man.

Is NOT clogging the toilet with a volley ball sized wad of toilet paper too much to ask?

I was the one that had to put gloves on to dig it out. I want a raise.

WAIT. I do this for free. Because I love them. Because I voluntarily decided to be a mom and housewife.

Was I smoking something? If so, could someone please send some more my way. I think I'm going to need it.

Today hopefully will be over soon.

...mumbles incoherently