August 02, 2005

Sweaty Shirtless Men

***Edited to add a picture

They are outside my window right now. Many of them. I can see them from my desk. No shirts. They're tanned. They're using power tools. Some of them could be hot. I'm not looking.

On account of being a married woman and all. (and my husband has been known to read my blog. Hi hon, they're not as cute as you. You are super hot looking when you're shirtless. How about you go dig up that dead bush out of the yard?) I do hear some spanish being spoken. I'm so tempted to go out there and ask, "Where can a San Diego girl get some decent Mexican food around here?" But that could be tacky. And awkward.

The management is finally replacing the roof and shingles on this spec-tacky-ler looking 1970's brick townhouse complex.

I woke up to the sound of a herd of buffalo running across the roof. Or so it sounded, but since buffalo can't fly (they don't have wings, Jessica, duh) I remembered it was the construction crew.

They were pounding on the side of the house while ugly shingles were flying to the ground and whizzing over people's heads. I fantasized about one of them hitting a certain neighbor. I admit it wasn't a very Christlike thought. But certainly very therapeutic. My grandma has a phrase for this kind of person. "Jesus may love you, but everyone else thinks your an a$$h*le. She's from the south, but she's defiantely not a southern belle.

With all the ruckus, the cats ran for the closets. Snoo woke up wondering if we were being attacked by terroists. Snoo has ADHD and forgetfulness middle name. She's also rather obsessed with the war lately. Since I hadn't had my morning cup of chai I tried to hold back the sarcasm. I mean, the roofing materials were only brought in a few days ago, been sitting near our garages with the construction dumpster waiting nearby. The notice was posted and the kids were all informed that the roof would be replaced, which involved people being ON the roof.

Yes hon, I think so. I think the farming thugs of Vermont have decided to settle this dairy controversary once and for all. They have had enough of Wisconsin boasting rights to the "Dairy State" title.

They are deroofing each house one by one, stealing our cheeseheads and dumping 3 thousand tons of rejected Ben & Jerry flavors into our homes. With this heat, the ice cream will melt in 3.5 seconds and we'll all be vomiting from the nasty smell of warm ice cream.

Then they can begin thumping us over the head with ginormous sticks of Wisconsin summer sausage. While we're knocked out cold our bodies will be douced in pabst blue ribbon beer and our ears will be stuffed full of State Fair cream puff filling. Run, run for your life!

She gave me the ok. All parents know the look. Especially parents of preteens. My response is always yes. Yes, I am crazy, so are you because your my child. Genetics are a powerful thing. So what of it?

Snoo: rolling eyes- MmOO00mmm

Me: No, we're not being attacked, silly girl. It's the roofers, remember?

Snoo: Mom, you scared me.

I scare myself sometimes. Now get up and start cleaning my house! Oh, and good morning. Aren't I friendly in the morning?

While looking out the window I got to thinking. I have quite the honey-do list piled up. I've been waiting patiently for The Husband cause I'm busy and do enough boring chores. I should post a sign on my door.

Wanted: Handy man for rent

Will need to hang pictures, fix hinges and leaky washing machines among other piddly jobs I don't want to break my nails while doing

Shirt optional. Compensation negotiable. Will you accept stray socks?